{"id":8395,"date":"2020-03-13T14:51:12","date_gmt":"2020-03-13T19:51:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/cedar-crest-ok-cdp\/go-away-come-closer-unable-to-stop-the-cycle-of-arguments\/"},"modified":"2020-03-13T14:51:12","modified_gmt":"2020-03-13T19:51:12","slug":"go-away-come-closer-unable-to-stop-the-cycle-of-arguments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/cedar-crest-ok-cdp\/go-away-come-closer-unable-to-stop-the-cycle-of-arguments\/","title":{"rendered":"Go Away, Come Closer: Unable to Stop the Cycle of Arguments"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"belt\"Why is it that we fall in love with our dream-mate and then spend the next forty years yelling, fighting and screaming as if we had married our worst enemy? It makes no sense. It makes even less sense to get a divorce and marry someone just like the first one.<\/p>\n

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All humans acquire expectations, both positive and negative in childhood. These expectations encourage us to think, feel, act, and make choices in certain ways. However, expectations do not exist in a vacuum, they exist in a context. And the context that shapes our expectations is built around our past.<\/p>\n

Our past doesn\u2019t necessarily predict our future, but what is familiar is comfortable and can offer security. For example, a woman who was criticized by her father and blamed by her brother will not be comfortable with a partner who treats with empathy or support. When she dates a controlling and hostile guy, her friends will say: \u201cHe\u2019s not for you,\u201d but she will defend him saying: \u201cHe\u2019s really a good person down deep. It\u2019ll work out, you\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another example is the woman who was \u201cabandoned\u201d by her father as a child. She is not \u201ccomfortable\u201d with men who are stable and predictable. She will gravitate towards men who will mirror her father\u2019s example and abandon her. If she accidentally marries a man who is unlikely to abandon her, she will provoke him until he can\u2019t stand it any more and stomps out the door. Mission accomplished.<\/p>\n

If this woman finds herself dating a man who treats her with respect, she will feel \u201cuncomfortable\u201d and soon end it. She will not question the nature of her \u201cdiscomfort,\u201d nor seek to relieve it. She will keep dating until she meets someone that she feels \u201ccomfortable with.\u201d<\/p>\n

Still another example is the woman who was her father\u2019s sparring partner. She will be comfortable with men who fight with her. She will be uncomfortable with men who try to calm her down, to please her, or treat her as an equal. She will scorn such people as \u201ctoo passive,\u201d or \u201ctoo boring.\u201d She will search for someone more \u201cexciting\u201d to turn her on. In time, she will find him and they will make miserable music together.<\/p>\n

This process is not rational or logical. We ask ourselves, \u201cWhat does she see in him?\u201d If we ask her, she will come up with some cover story like, \u201cHe is so strong, so sure of himself.\u201d The paradox is that we often separate from our partner for the same reasons that we were first attracted to them:<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe was so strong and manly.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe was a brute\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cShe was so cute and helpless; she needed me.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cShe was so dependent on me, I couldn\u2019t breathe.\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cI loved his sense of humor.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe never took me seriously\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cShe was sharp as a tack.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cShe cut me to ribbons with that mouth of hers\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe was so ambitious and successful.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe never came home from work.\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cShe was so pretty.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cShe was always getting looks from other men\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cI loved her independence!\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cShe wouldn\u2019t do a thing I told her.\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe was a take-charge guy.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe was a control freak.\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe was so easy going.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe never made a decision\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe was so attentive.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe never let me out of his sight.\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe was so passionate.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: He always yelled at me.\u201d<\/p>\n

First Attraction: \u201cHe couldn\u2019t keep his hands off me.\u201d
\nGrounds For Divorce: \u201cHe would push and smack me<\/p>\n

Unhappy couple image<\/a> available from Shutterstock.<\/small><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>

Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why is it that we fall in love with our dream-mate and then spend the next forty years yelling, fighting and screaming as if we had married our worst enemy? It makes no sense. It makes even less sense to get a divorce and marry someone just like the first <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> March 13, 2020<\/p>\n

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