{"id":8402,"date":"2020-03-13T14:51:19","date_gmt":"2020-03-13T19:51:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/cedar-crest-ok-cdp\/are-you-strong-how-to-feel-more-in-control\/"},"modified":"2020-03-13T14:51:19","modified_gmt":"2020-03-13T19:51:19","slug":"are-you-strong-how-to-feel-more-in-control","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/cedar-crest-ok-cdp\/are-you-strong-how-to-feel-more-in-control\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You \u201cStrong\u201d? How to Feel More in Control"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Matt was unhappy with his job. He became an accountant because he thought it would please his parents and that it would prove that he was better than what they though he was.<\/p>\n

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His oldest brother had been divorced three times; his middle brother has been out of work for six years, but Matt is still a baby as far as his parents are concerned.<\/p>\n

Matt has lunch every day with his co-worker, Neil, who is a year older. Matt looks up to Neil and respects him for his success at the firm. He compares himself to Neil, but Matt hates the feeling of inferiority that the comparison arouses in him.<\/p>\n

In counseling, I asked Matt when else he felt this way.<\/p>\n

Matt: \u00a0\u201cI used to suck my thumb. My family used to ridicule me for doing it. One night, I was just falling asleep. I was snug and warm in my bed, and all of a sudden, the lights went on, and my father and brothers were standing over me sucking their thumbs and laughing at me. I was frightened, and I cried, and they laughed at me, saying \u2018Baby, baby, baby!\u2019 I never forgot it.\u201d<\/p>\n

From this experience, Matt conveyed the following 1) \u201cI do not live up to expectations. \u00a0I am not good enough.\u201d \u00a0(2) \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter whether it\u2019s my fault or not. \u00a0I\u2019m not good enough, and there\u2019s nothing I can do about it.\u201d \u00a0(3) \u201cMaybe someday, I will be acceptable, but in the meantime, I am unworthy.\u201d \u00a0(4) \u201cOnly my brothers are acceptable to my father. \u00a0I wish I were like them, but I am not.\u201d \u00a0(5) \u201cI don\u2019t deserve to be happy and happiness can end in disaster without warning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Matt has carried these unhealthy feelings from childhood into adulthood. \u00a0He was still comparing himself unfavorably to \u201cstronger men\u201d like Neil. Matt has never worked through his unhappy status as the baby in the family, and he looks forward to an idealized future when he will be a \u201creal man\u201d like Neil. \u00a0In the meantime, Matt cannot live his life in the present. It is as if he would only fail and be humiliated again anyway, so, why bother? \u00a0This is called \u201cdiscouragement.\u201d \u00a0His very real success in the present does nothing to offset it.<\/p>\n

The antidote to unfavorable comparison is confidence, which is exactly what Matt has never had. \u00a0His homework was to get some.<\/p>\n

Matt was having difficulty getting along with his temperamental supervisor, Bob. \u00a0Matt tended to cast his boss in the same mold as his father, and to react to his criticisms accordingly \u2014 stuttering, flushing, cowering, and generally wishing he were dead.<\/p>\n

Matt\u2019s homework was to: \u00a0(1) stop perceiving Bob as his father, (2) stop perceiving himself as a baby and victim, (3) disengage from Bob\u2019s overcritical antagonism.<\/p>\n

Two days later, Bob made a scene at a meeting because Matt made an inconsequential typo, the kind that happens every day. Instead of feeling like an inferior victim, Matt decided to respond appropriately.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t deny responsibility or make excuses, as Bob expected him to. He did the unexpected: he assumed responsibility for his error, \u201cYou\u2019re right, Bob; I missed that one, didn\u2019t I? \u00a0I\u2019ll take care of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bob\u2019s jaw dropped.\u00a0Matt took the offending piece of paper and walked out of Bob\u2019s office a free man. He was not the runt of the litter anymore. \u00a0He felt like an equal member of the human race, no more and no less than Bob or Neil or anyone else. He was able to validate his success in the present. He had earned it.<\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Matt was unhappy with his job. He became an accountant because he thought it would please his parents and that it would prove that he was better than what they though he was. His oldest brother had been divorced three times; his middle brother has been out of work for <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> March 13, 2020<\/p>\n

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