{"id":7550,"date":"2018-04-26T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-04-26T14:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/why-dependence-in-your-relationship-is-actually-a-good-thing\/"},"modified":"2018-06-27T12:24:44","modified_gmt":"2018-06-27T17:24:44","slug":"why-dependence-in-your-relationship-is-actually-a-good-thing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/why-dependence-in-your-relationship-is-actually-a-good-thing\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Dependence in Your Relationship is Actually a Good Thing"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Today, in our society dependent is a dirty word. It\u2019s a synonym for weak, helpless, clinging, incapable, immature and inferior.<\/p>\n

Literally.<\/p>\n

Because when you look up \u201cdependent\u201d in a thesaurus, those are the very words you\u2019ll find. Naturally, we don\u2019t want to be any of those things, so we see being dependent in our romantic relationships as dysfunctional, as a bad thing, as something to avoid at all costs.<\/p>\n

So we strive to be self-sufficient. We strive not to need or seek out comfort or support (because again, needing them would mean we\u2019re pathetic and weak). We don\u2019t get too close to our partners. We largely keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves (at least the embarrassing or sad or painful ones). We remind ourselves that we\u2019re the only ones who can really be trusted. We don\u2019t let down our guard.<\/p>\n

It is true that dependence requires vulnerability. It requires that we share our hearts and souls, because this is how we connect. This is how we cultivate intimate, profound bonds. And that\u2019s scary, because it means putting ourselves in a place to potentially get hurt.<\/p>\n

We fear that if we reveal our true feelings, our true selves, our partners will leave us. Clients regularly tell relationship therapist Kelly Hendricks<\/a>, MA, MFT, they struggle with these fears. Her male clients worry: \u201cIf I let my wife see the softer side of me, will she no longer view me as a \u2018man?\u2019 Will she still see me as the man she married? Will she see me as \u2018weak?\u2019\u201d Clients also fear being judged, criticized and shut out.<\/p>\n

Plus, many of us aren\u2019t taught to effectively process or even label our emotions\u2014which naturally makes it difficult (i.e., impossible) to share them with our partners. Instead we\u2019re taught to fear our own emotions, or not to trust others with them, Hendricks said. Which leads us not to lean on our partners for emotional support, running \u201cthe risk of not having close and connected romantic relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hendricks defines dependence as: \u201can innate emotional attachment need for survival that directly benefits one to have a felt sense of emotional safety and security that lends toward confidence and trust to connect deeply with self and one\u2019s world.\u201d She noted that it\u2019s a completely human need to desire, long for and seek out deep emotional connections, comfort and reassurance from our romantic partners.<\/p>\n

In fact, loving human contact is vital. In her powerful, eye-opening book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships<\/a><\/em>, clinical psychologist Sue Johnson, Ph.D, cites research <\/a>that found that adopted Romanian orphans who spent upwards of 20 hours in their cribs unattended had \u201cbrain abnormalities, impaired reasoning ability, and extreme difficulty in relating to others.\u201d Prisoners in solitary confinement, she adds, have hallucinations and develop paranoia, depression, severe anxiety and memory loss.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need emotional connection to survive,\u201d writes Johnson, founder of emotionally focused therapy<\/a>. She shares these examples in her book: \u201cConsistent emotional support lowers blood pressure and bolsters the immune system.\u201d The quality of our social support also predicts general mortality and mortality from specific conditions, including heart disease. Close bonds decrease our susceptibility to anxiety and depression. Close bonds help us become more resilient to stress. Close bonds soothe our brains, and may even protect us from pain<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Healthy dependence is having a secure bond with your partner. It is being emotionally available, emotionally engaged and emotionally responsive, Hendricks said. This doesn\u2019t mean that you never fight, and it doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re always happy. It also doesn\u2019t mean that you lose your sense of self, abandoning your desires and dreams to become \u201cone\u201d with your partner (a common misconception about dependence).<\/p>\n

In fact, according to research and attachment theory, \u201cthe more securely emotionally connected we are with an attachment figure\u2014our romantic partner\u2014 the more confidently we feel about ourselves and our world in which we then navigate with greater courage and trust,\u201d Hendricks said.<\/p>\n

Securely attached couples also fight less and have less intense arguments and miscommunication. That\u2019s because they\u2019re more sensitive to each other\u2019s cues, and more responsive to each other\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n

Hendricks shared this example: You and your partner have a fight. The next day, your husband says: \u201cHow are you doing since our last fight? Do you need any support from me today? Do you need any reassurance of how much I love you today?\u201d You reply: \u201cWell, actually, now that you ask, I am still feeling a little worried and sad about our argument last night. I\u2019ve been having racing thoughts that one day you grow tired of me, so frustrated that I will have worn your last nerve. You\u2019re not still mad at me, are you? I don\u2019t want to do anything that will affect our relationship. I love you. I apologize if I hurt you. I was really hurt and frustrated when you weren\u2019t listening to me and when you walked away from me when I was talking. It almost seems like you don\u2019t care at those times; is that true? I want to trust that you love me and care about me even though you may be walking away\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

If you have a hard time being vulnerable, thankfully you can change that. Hendricks shared these suggestions.<\/p>\n