{"id":7587,"date":"2018-02-22T11:35:00","date_gmt":"2018-02-22T16:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/how-couples-turn-molehills-into-mountains\/"},"modified":"2018-06-27T12:25:08","modified_gmt":"2018-06-27T17:25:08","slug":"how-couples-turn-molehills-into-mountains","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/how-couples-turn-molehills-into-mountains\/","title":{"rendered":"How Couples Turn Molehills into Mountains"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Stonewalling<\/a>Your partner didn\u2019t wash the dishes, or take out the trash or fold the laundry. Maybe they forgot to pay a bill. Maybe they\u2019re running late to your lunch date. Maybe they haven\u2019t hung up the picture frames they promised to hang up (too many) weeks ago. Maybe they leave their clothes on the floor. All. The. Time.<\/p>\n

These are seemingly small issues. And, yet somehow, they\u2019ve sparked a fight. A big one. Or several big ones. <\/em><\/p>\n

One reason we turn small issues into significant problems is that we don\u2019t resolve these minor matters when they occur. Over time they snowball, leading to constant bickering and fighting, said Clinton Power, a\u00a0clinical relationship counsellor in Sydney, Australia.<\/p>\n

Couples often bring up all these issues when they\u2019re supposed to be focusing on a single situation. So that before you know it, you\u2019re talking about five topics and understandably getting quite overwhelmed.<\/p>\n

For instance, you and your partner disagree on a particular purchase. Instead of focusing on that purchase, you start talking about past purchases and past problems, which triggers anger and defensiveness\u2014and exacerbates the argument. \u201cThis then hampers your ability to resolve the initial issue because you\u2019re in fight-or-flight mode and the higher executive functions of the brain (such as your cerebral cortex) are offline and cannot help you make rational decisions and solve problems,\u201d said Power, founder of\u00a0Clinton Power + Associates<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Small issues tend to go unresolved because we avoid talking about them. Maybe you don\u2019t raise issues early on because you want to avoid tension or conflict, Power said. Maybe you grew up in a volatile family that fought all the time or in a family, where sharing a different opinion wasn\u2019t OK, he said. Which means you might see conflict as a catastrophe, and thereby avoid it at all costs.<\/p>\n

We also turn molehills into mountains when there are underlying issues. For instance, you don\u2019t \u201cfeel heard, understood, loved or prioritized in the relationship,\u201d said Julia Nowland<\/a>, a couples therapist, qualified trainer and an experienced speaker. And your partner might have similar feelings.<\/p>\n

Nowland shared this example: Your partner keeps promising to finish painting the house, while you\u2019re tearing your hair out wondering why it\u2019s not done yet. To you, a house is a sanctuary, and unfinished projects make you feel frazzled. You\u2019re upset because your partner knows this about you\u2014which leads you to conclude that they don\u2019t care about your feelings. Your partner starts projects because they need to feel resourceful and capable. So when you keep harping on this unfinished project, they feel incapable and unappreciated.<\/p>\n

Eventually, your partner will finish the painting. But if you don\u2019t discuss the underlying issues for both of you, they\u2019ll go unresolved and create disconnection in your relationship.<\/p>\n

We also start seeing our relationship through a disappointed, frustrated or anxious lens. \u201cEverything your partner does makes you angry or you use it to prove to yourself that your partner doesn\u2019t care or love you enough,\u201d Nowland said. We do this because of unresolved issues (like mentioned above). Or we do this because of issues that have zero to do with our partners. Maybe we\u2019re stressed at work or sleep-deprived because of our newborn or devastated over a loved one\u2019s passing, Nowland said.<\/p>\n

Below are ideas on how you can stop exacerbating your issues by reflecting on yourself and effectively communicating with your partner.<\/p>\n

Get curious about your feelings. <\/strong>Nowland suggested asking yourself these questions: \u201cWhat is it about the situation that makes it so important? What are the conclusions I\u2019ve drawn about this situation?\u201d What is the real reason I\u2019m upset? For instance, you\u2019re upset about the dishes in the sink because you feel like you\u2019re doing more in maintaining the household.<\/p>\n

Be flexible with your perspective.<\/strong> \u201cWhen we\u2019re more flexible with how we see our partner, we look for other alternative motives to their actions or words rather than jumping to a conclusion,\u201d Nowland said. This is key because often our conclusions revolve around seeing the worst in our partner, she said.<\/p>\n

When you find yourself thinking, \u201cOh my god, he\u2019s so lazy,\u201d or \u201cWow, she\u2019s so forgetful,\u201d Nowland suggested asking yourself: \u201cHow else can I view this situation?\u201d For instance, instead of calling your partner lazy, you might say, \u201cI\u2019ve noticed there are dirty dishes in the sink. I\u2019m feeling frustrated; I keep thinking they\u2019re left there for me to clean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt may seem like a longer way to talk but if it avoids an argument and discord, then it\u2019s worth it.\u201d
\n
\nPay attention to your own behavior. <\/strong>Are you sidestepping certain issues? Are you complaining to your friends instead of talking directly to your partner? Are you pulling away from intimate moments? Do you feel uncomfortable sharing your deeper thoughts and feelings? According to Power, these are all avoidant behaviors, which can exacerbate your relationship issues.<\/p>\n

Express yourself assertively. <\/strong>Power underscored the importance of using assertive communication when sharing your thoughts, feelings and concerns with your partner. Which is a skill everyone can learn and sharpen.<\/p>\n

He suggested this format when talking to your partner: Share your observation; share the feeling that arises; take ownership of your interpretation; and request a change.<\/p>\n

This can look like: \u201cWhen you talk about buying that investment property, I notice I feel quite anxious about it and I imagine you\u2019re not including me in the decision-making process. I would appreciate it if we could sit down and discuss this in more depth before you proceed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Discuss one issue at a time. <\/strong>If other issues come up during your conversation, note them, Power said. This way you and your partner aren\u2019t overwhelmed by several issues at once. And you can return to these topics, and discuss them separately.<\/p>\n

Give sensitive topics special attention. <\/strong>Power stressed the importance of anticipating sensitive topics and planning accordingly. For instance, he said, if you normally get into a fight about a certain family member, don\u2019t mention them in the car. Instead, carve out interruption-free time to go somewhere quiet to discuss the situation. During that time, \u201cSit facing each other so you can see each other\u2019s expressions and body language\u201d; use a calm voice; don\u2019t interrupt each other; and focus on being an active listener, in general, he said.<\/p>\n

Smaller issues become boulders when we don\u2019t talk about them and resolve them, creating distance between you and your partner. Strive to face these concerns by reflecting on your part and using calm, assertive communication. This way conflict actually becomes a source of connection, an opportunity to understand each other and grow closer.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Your partner didn\u2019t wash the dishes, or take out the trash or fold the laundry. Maybe they forgot to pay a bill. Maybe they\u2019re running late to your lunch date. Maybe they haven\u2019t hung up the picture frames they promised to hang up (too many) weeks ago. Maybe they leave <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> February 22, 2018<\/p>\n

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