{"id":7602,"date":"2018-02-01T10:15:00","date_gmt":"2018-02-01T15:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/when-you-cant-stop-putting-on-a-perfect-face\/"},"modified":"2018-06-27T12:25:20","modified_gmt":"2018-06-27T17:25:20","slug":"when-you-cant-stop-putting-on-a-perfect-face","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/when-you-cant-stop-putting-on-a-perfect-face\/","title":{"rendered":"When You Can\u2019t Stop Putting on a \u201cPerfect\u201d Face"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"are<\/a>On the outside, you are put together. Always. You are well-dressed, and nothing is ever out of place. You show up on time. Always. You rarely seem rattled\u2014or down or anxious. You rarely seem like you feel anything at all. People would describe you as easygoing, laid-back and flexible. And on the outside, everything seems to come easily to you.<\/p>\n

On the inside, things are different. On the inside, things might even be messy, disheveled and hard. Really hard. On the inside, you\u2019re sad or stressed. On the inside, you feel overwhelmed. On the inside, you feel alone. Like all human beings, you are complicated, and you feel a range of emotions, sometimes in one day.<\/p>\n

In short, you are the opposite of what you portray.<\/p>\n

There are many reasons why we wear masks. \u201cWhen people have their feelings judged, especially at an early age and\/or by primary caregivers, they learn to put on a \u2018perfect\u2019 face,\u201d said Maya Benattar<\/a>, LCAT, a music therapist and psychotherapist in New York City, specializing in working with women who have anxiety, trauma histories, or perfectionism. For instance, maybe your parents or caregivers told you: \u201cThat wasn\u2019t good enough,\u201d or \u201cTry harder,\u201d or \u201cAnything less than an A is like failing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe they told you: You should be better. You should be smarter. You should know the answer to that. You should have gotten into that college. You should have a higher GPA. \u201cSentences with \u2018should\u2019 often are connected to judgment,\u201d Benattar said. And she\u2019s noticed that it\u2019s these very statements that her clients tend to internalize.<\/p>\n

A mask feels like a layer of protection. A shield.<\/p>\n

We also might wear masks because we\u2019ve observed others wearing them. Maybe your parents wore certain masks to keep themselves safe, to be heard, to not get hurt, Benattar said.<\/p>\n

Today\u2019s mask might be yesterday\u2019s coping strategy. Manhattan psychotherapist Panthea Saidipour<\/a>, LCSW, shared these examples: A young child becomes quiet, careful, and agreeable around a hot-tempered parent. Another child becomes engaging and funny to enliven a parent struggling with depression. The child of a hardworking, stressed out single parent takes care of themselves and their siblings to reduce their parent\u2019s responsibilities.<\/p>\n

Masks also are reinforced and commended in our society. Teachers love having students who follow classroom rules; companies love employees who prioritize their profits over their own needs; and people love friends who are easygoing and down for whatever, said Saidipour, who works with young professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves.<\/p>\n

But masks are exhausting. You might stretch yourself thin trying to be compliant and accommodating. According to Saidipour, you don\u2019t assert yourself or share your feelings and opinions, unless you\u2019re certain they\u2019re in agreement with others. You bulldoze over your own needs, and silence yourself. And eventually you are dehydrated, drained and disconnected from yourself.<\/p>\n

Naturally, it\u2019s hard to have profound, authentic connections when you\u2019re not being authentic. Instead, your interactions and relationships stay on the surface, Benattar said. This can leave you \u201cfeeling isolated and like no one understands [you], which can lead to \u2018tightening up the strings\u2019 of [your] mask\u2014it becomes a repetitive cycle.\u201d<\/p>\n

At work or school, you might expect yourself to know everything before you\u2019ve had a chance to learn and practice; not ask for help, even though you\u2019d benefit from it; and fear that you\u2019ll look stupid or irresponsible if you don\u2019t do something precisely right, Saidipour said.<\/p>\n

Perfection, of course, is impossible. So setting super short deadlines, bashing yourself for understandable mistakes and holding yourself to standards you\u2019d never expect anyone else to meet only sharpens and deepens your shame, Saidipour said. \u201cAnything short of perfection can feel like failure, and can warrant an internal tongue-lashing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes, you wear a mask for so long you don\u2019t even recognize yourself. It\u2019s formed itself to your face, making it harder and harder to take off every night. Or maybe, over time, you\u2019ve forgotten you even had it on. \u201cAfter wearing a mask for so long, it may become hard to even know what you\u2019re feeling inside, what you need, what\u2019s actually working for you, and what you\u2019re doing out of a sense of obligation,\u201d Saidipour said.<\/p>\n

This is OK. Because there are many ways you can loosen your mask, embrace imperfection and ease into being vulnerable with yourself and others. Below, Benattar and Saidipour shared their suggestions.
\n
\nBe compassionately curious. <\/strong>Get curious about why you do what you do\u2014without judging or criticizing yourself, Saidipour said. \u201cThe more you understand the backstory to your current ways of being, the more informed you\u2019ll be on how to move forward.\u201d<\/p>\n

Saidipour suggested exploring these questions: \u201cIf you\u2019re not being your true self with someone, what are you protecting yourself from? Is there a fear about the other person\u2019s reaction? Is it based on a past experience with this person or is it your expectation based on your past experience with someone else?\u201d<\/p>\n

Whenever you\u2019re making plans with someone, she suggested asking yourself: Are you doing so because you want to or because you think you should? If it\u2019s the latter, where does this \u201cshould\u201d stem from? \u201cIs it an expectation from the other person or an internal sense of obligation? If it\u2019s internal, what past situations have brought up a similar feeling for you? Who has had these expectations of you in the past?\u201d<\/p>\n

Get curious \u201cabout what you\u2019re actually feeling, from as kind and gentle of a place as possible,\u201d Benattar said. If you\u2019re having a hard time identifying the specific emotion, then focus on what it feels like in your body and in your breath, she said. What sensations do you notice? Where are these sensations located in your body?<\/p>\n

Get curious about what you need\u2014and how you can meet those needs. What replenishes you? What excites and enlivens you? What inspires you? What do you want your relationships to look like? What nourishes you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually?<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a lot of questions and issues to unpack and uncover and explore. So start with a question you feel comfortable reflecting on. Maybe you devote 10 or 20 minutes a day to checking in with yourself and simply asking: How am I doing right now? How am I really doing?<\/p>\n

Get messy.<\/strong> \u201cAnother way to explore not being perfect is through messy play and improvisation,\u201d Benattar said. She shared these suggestions: Make a collage. Dance in a silly way to your favorite song. Don\u2019t completely plan out your day. \u201cLeave room for creativity.\u201d<\/p>\n

(You can learn more about using creativity to navigate your life here<\/a>.)
\n
\nEase into taking your mask off with others. <\/strong>Before taking steps to change your self-protection, it\u2019s vital to explore it and understand the reasons for your behavior, Saidipour said. \u201cOtherwise, those steps you take will just be another mask you put on\u2014more external actions divorced from your inner feelings. The more you can deeply connect to yourself, the greater your capacity will be to connect with others in an authentic way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Being vulnerable with someone is taking a risk, which is required for real connection, Saidipour said. Remind yourself why you\u2019re choosing to take the risk, and be patient with yourself, because your attempts might feel clunky and uncomfortable, she said.<\/p>\n

Benattar stressed the importance of taking baby steps, and sharing a simple need with the person. For instance, you might say: \u201cI\u2019d rather drive in silence than listen to music\u201d or \u201cI need a hug.\u201d<\/p>\n

She also suggested working with a therapist. \u201cTherapy is also a good place to practice and embody being vulnerable with another person, especially one who is able to be attuned and sensitive.\u201d<\/p>\n

Wearing a mask isn\u2019t always problematic. \u201cWe all have different masks, different\u00a0parts of ourselves, that we transition between depending on who we\u2019re with and what we\u2019re doing,\u201d Saidipour said. After all, it\u2019s very unlikely that we\u2019re exactly the same with a supervisor as we are with our spouse.<\/p>\n

\u201cIdeally, we\u2019re able to move seamlessly and comfortably between these different parts of ourselves, navigate between our own needs and others\u2019 expectations, and can stay connected to our own sense of ourselves and to others.\u201d When we can\u2019t, it\u2019s vital to understand why, Saidipour said.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>

Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On the outside, you are put together. Always. You are well-dressed, and nothing is ever out of place. You show up on time. Always. You rarely seem rattled\u2014or down or anxious. You rarely seem like you feel anything at all. People would describe you as easygoing, laid-back and flexible. And <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> February 1, 2018<\/p>\n

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