{"id":7657,"date":"2018-09-26T13:18:17","date_gmt":"2018-09-26T18:18:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/pleasing-others-while-you-are-miserable\/"},"modified":"2018-09-26T13:18:19","modified_gmt":"2018-09-26T18:18:19","slug":"pleasing-others-while-you-are-miserable","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/pleasing-others-while-you-are-miserable\/","title":{"rendered":"Pleasing Others While You Are Miserable"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Clare had a big fight with her boyfriend Tom. She wanted him to come to dinner with her passive aggressive, dysfunctional family.<\/p>\n

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Tom, understandably, did not wish to subject himself to this torment. Tom\u2019s own family was critical and demanding. He had few happy memories of his family growing up. In his mind, \u201cfamily\u201d was associated with shame and emotional pain.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Clare was the prisoner of pleasing. As usual, she was feeling like a failure because she couldn\u2019t make everyone happy. Clare did not prevail. She couldn\u2019t get Tom to go. She felt angry, but she did not know why.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In counseling, she identified her anger at Tom for not \u2018appreciating\u2019\u00a0her (which means, good for nothing and worthless). She learned of the anger towards herself for failing to please everyone. Clare also reported fictitious guilt for failing to make Tom happy, as if happiness had anything to do with dinner at her mother\u2019s house.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Clare\u2019s roles as the pleaser, the responsible child and martyr were in tatters. There was nothing to take their place. Her devastation and her pain were real. In a sense, pain was Clare\u2019s way of punishing herself for her failure to solve the problem of pleasing everyone in the \u201cright or best\u201d way.<\/p>\n

Since she was not \u201cright,\u201d she must be \u201cwrong\u201d or guilty, which every child knows results in punishment. She couldn\u2019t see why she shouldn\u2019t punish herself for her wrongness. She was scapegoating herself. She didn\u2019t see why she shouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

In counseling, Clare learned the difference between \u2018right\u2019 or \u2018best\u2019 and healthy. She had been trying to control Tom to force him into being happy according to her way. Tom resisted being controlled.<\/p>\n

Clare\u2019s homework was to give Tom a choice, and then accept the decision that he makes. She can choose to stop trying to make him do what he should do. She learned that \u201cshould\u201d is a demand. But actually, she merely had a preference. She was allowed to have hers and he could have his.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was not a matter of right or wrong, nor was it about \u201cknowing\u201d what is best. She had feelings, opinions and preferences, which are really a matter of personal taste. If she pushed these on Tom, it put her in position of judge and makes everything a matter of guilt. Clare was just an imperfect human being who had the right to have preferences that were different from others.<\/p>\n

Photo<\/a> by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino\u00b2\u00b3<\/a> <\/a><\/small><\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Clare had a big fight with her boyfriend Tom. She wanted him to come to dinner with her passive aggressive, dysfunctional family. Tom, understandably, did not wish to subject himself to this torment. Tom\u2019s own family was critical and demanding. He had few happy memories of his family growing up. <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> September 26, 2018<\/p>\n

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