In other words, \u201cwe get hard-wired to assume mal-intent such that we may frequently misinterpret our partners\u2019 actions or intentions to be critical or hurtful when in fact they are not.\u201d<\/p>\n
But this doesn\u2019t mean you should stay silent. It doesn\u2019t mean you should keep quiet about your needs. The key lies in your communication\u2014both verbal and non-verbal. Below, you\u2019ll find the specifics and strategies.<\/p>\n
Figure out your needs in the first place\u2014and spell them out.<\/strong> Hirschfeld stressed the importance of asking yourself what you actually need, and why you need it.<\/p>\n This can be especially tough for people who grew up in families that didn\u2019t allow free expression of your wants and needs, said Clinton Power, a\u00a0clinical relationship counsellor and founder of\u00a0Clinton Power + Associates<\/a>\u00a0in Sydney, Australia.<\/p>\n He suggested starting by thinking about the times you feel most supported by your partner, and what they\u2019re specifically doing or saying. Also, think about the times you feel alone, disconnected or sad, he said. \u201cThese feelings can be the first indicator that something is missing for you and you have unmet needs.\u201d<\/p>\n Once you know what you need, spell it out for your spouse, because as Hirschfeld said, the \u201cclearer we can be, the more likely it is that we will get what we need.\u201d She gave these examples: \u201cI need you to hug me when I\u2019m crying,\u201d or \u201cCan you pick up the kids from school today?\u201d<\/p>\n Focus on the message.<\/strong> Before talking to your partner, Hirschfeld suggested asking yourself: \u201cWhat is the message I\u2019m trying to send my partner?\u201d In other words, what do you want your partner to hear?<\/p>\n Focusing on this helps you to thoughtfully pick the words that are consistent with your message, versus getting stuck in needless narratives (e.g., harping on the past). According to Hirschfeld, the message might be \u201cI miss you\u201d or \u201cIt really hurts me when you ignore me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEither way the more concise and vulnerable you can be, the better. The brain needs slow, simple language to process difficult emotion.\u201d Sacramento psychotherapist Catherine O\u2019Brien<\/a>, LMFT, also encouraged readers to use \u201cI\u201d statements with this structure: \u201cI feel ______, because ______ when ______. What I need is ______.\u201d O\u2019Brien offers therapy, coaching and workshops for moms and dads.<\/p>\n Use a soft start-up. <\/strong>\u201cTherapist and researchers John and Julie Gottman discovered the way a couple raised an issue was a highly accurate predictor of how the discussion turned out,\u201d Power said. Which is why raising issues softly and gently is so important.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what this might look like, he said: \u201cHoney, I\u2019m concerned about our financial situation. I\u2019m worried we are spending more than we earn and I\u2019m very concerned about our future if we keep spending like we are. I want to talk with you so we can come up with a solution together that will work for both of us. But I also want to listen to you and understand your concerns as well. Are you open to us talking further about this?\u201d<\/p>\n Clinton suggested using prosody in your voice, which means speaking in a sweet, melodic style, so it sounds friendly, instead of demanding or critical. (Psychotherapist Stan Tatkin teaches this in his PACT couples therapy approach, he said.)<\/p>\n Power also suggested sitting close to your spouse, and putting your hand on their knee. (More on non-verbal cues below.)<\/p>\n Pay attention to your non-verbal cues.<\/strong> \u201cAttending to your non-verbal behavior is a great way to reduce any possibility of your partner feeling threatened,\u201d Power said. This is especially important if you\u2019ve nagged or criticized before, because your partner will assume that it\u2019s just more of the same, and automatically react that way.<\/p>\n He suggested the following: Pay attention to your tone of voice; use friendly facial expressions; use loving touch; remain close in proximity; and maintain eye contact. Of course, you want to do this in an authentic, genuine, kind way.<\/p>\n Set clear boundaries with consequences. <\/strong>And if your spouse doesn\u2019t respond or take action, then follow through on those consequences, Power said. He gave this example: \u201cI love you and know you\u2019re busy, but we made an agreement that you were going to make dinner on the nights I work. When I come home late from work and dinner isn\u2019t finished and the kids aren\u2019t in bed, I imagine that you don\u2019t care about the long hours I\u2019m working. I then feel sad and disappointed. I really want to resolve this, but if you\u2019re not going to stick with the original agreement, I\u2019m going to make my own plans for dinner before I come home.\u201d<\/p>\n Have a regular check-in.<\/strong> O\u2019Brien always encourages her couple clients to regularly check in with each other. This is when you can share what\u2019s going well and what you\u2019re struggling with, and to ask for what you need.<\/p>\n When couples make check-ins a habit, it\u2019s much easier to ask for what you need in general. For instance, O\u2019Brien\u2019s clients will text each other on their way home from work saying things like: \u201cIt\u2019s a rough day, I\u2019ll need an extra 10 minutes to decompress when I get home\u201d or \u201cI really need a hug today,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t have the energy to make dinner; can we order in or can you prep the dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n Recognize what is helpful. <\/strong>Notice, acknowledge and appreciate the helpful things your spouse does do\u2014big or small, O\u2019Brien said. Maybe they make you a cup of coffee every morning. Maybe they text when they\u2019ve gotten to work. Maybe they get the kids ready for school so you can get more sleep.<\/p>\n Sometimes, it doesn\u2019t matter what we say. Our spouse interprets what they hear in their own way. As O\u2019Brien said, \u201cwe all come with our own \u2018baggage,\u2019 our own life experiences that inform what we hear. You have each had different experiences, learned different things from different people.\u201d<\/p>\n So, she added, it can be helpful to say: \u201cI am not trying to be critical or nagging; is there a way I can say it better?\u201d<\/p>\n And if that doesn\u2019t work, therapy is a powerful place to navigate your relationship struggles and grow stronger.<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We know that our partners aren\u2019t mind readers, and it\u2019s best to be clear with our communication. But whether we\u2019re asking for help around the house, reminding our spouse about an unfinished task or requesting some space when we\u2019re sad, it can sound like we\u2019re nagging or criticizing them. Of <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>
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\nSpeak from a vulnerable place.<\/strong> When we speak from this perspective, we\u2019re \u201cmore likely to invite our partner to be compassionate and empathetic,\u201d Hirschfeld said. This means instead of saying \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you that you\u2019re on your phone?\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re so annoying!\u201d you say \u201cI feel ignored or like I don\u2019t matter to you when you are on your phone,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> January 4, 2019<\/p>\n