Maybe it happens after a manic or hypomanic episode, because you feel terrible about what you did or said during that time. And the regret, remorse and shame turn into self-hatred.<\/p>\n
Maybe the\u00a0self-loathing\u00a0lingers always, swimming under the surface, or \u201csimmering at a low temperature,\u201d as clinical psychologist Cynthia G. Last<\/a>, PhD, said. Last specializes in treating individuals with bipolar disorder in Boca Raton, Fla.<\/p>\n \u201cIf I\u2019m being \u2018real,\u2019 I always hate myself,\u201d said Gabe Howard<\/a>, a writer and speaker who has bipolar I disorder. \u201cNothing I ever do is good enough. It doesn\u2019t matter what I achieve, I will always find a way to tear it down\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s worse when I actually fail\u2014like if a project goes poorly, or like when I was going through my divorces. It\u2019s worse when I\u2019m depressed.\u201d<\/p>\n When people compliment Howard, he assumes they\u2019re making fun of him. He requests reassurance often: Was that OK? Is that what you wanted?<\/em> \u201cThen I try to figure out if they are lying to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Many of Last\u2019s patients also say they hate themselves. \u201cThey say it in a very venomous way.\u201d Or they\u2019re mortified by their behavior. \u201cSometimes they are so frustrated by their perceived inadequacies that they act out by hitting themselves on the side of the head with their hand. I\u2019m sorry to say this isn\u2019t uncommon.\u201d<\/p>\n When Katie Dale, who has bipolar I disorder, changed schools in 11th grade, and had a hard time making new friends, she started to hate everything about herself, too\u2014her looks, personality, school performance, what she said or didn\u2019t say. She also felt like the weakest link on her soccer team, which deepened her self-hatred.<\/p>\n Dale would obsess about her supposed flaws, compare herself to others and put oppressive expectations on herself. This led her to feel like she wasn\u2019t \u201cworth\u00a0anyone\u2019s time, energy, or love.\u201d<\/p>\n Today, Dale is a mental health advocate and caseworker who loves helping\u00a0others find peace of mind. She blogs at BipolarBrave.com<\/a>, and lives in the Midwest with her husband. With treatment, her self-loathing has diminished. \u201cI am still particular about my looks, but I have had\u00a0to learn a lot about forgiving myself and being kind to myself.\u201d<\/p>\n Treatment has helped Howard, too. \u201cBefore [treatment] the self-loathing was so bad I didn\u2019t bother to attempt anything because I just hated myself so much. Now I assume I suck at it\u2014but I keep doing it. Believe it or not, that is progress.\u201d<\/p>\n For Jessica Gimeno<\/a>, treatment for her bipolar II disorder, and various near-death experiences have silenced her once shattering thoughts. Gimeno is a mental health writer and speaker who is best known for her award-winning TEDx Talk, \u201cHow to Get Stuff Done When You Are Depressed.\u201d\u00a0In addition to her mood disorder, she also has five autoimmune conditions, including myasthenia gravis, which leaves her in constant pain, and almost killed her at age 24.<\/p>\n In the past, Gimeno\u2019s self-loathing showed up as ruminating thoughts any time anything went wrong\u2014any time there was an awkward social interaction, or a misunderstanding over email. She would panic that she did something terrible, and replay the situation over and over in her mind.<\/p>\n Treatment isn\u2019t the only reason Dale\u2019s self-loathing has diminished. It\u2019s also thanks to her faith: \u201creading the Bible and God\u2019s promises about what He thinks of me,\u00a0reminding me that I\u2019m loved and beloved, and that nothing I do can\u00a0separate me from His love. Grasping this truth and planting it deep\u00a0into my heart makes a big difference.\u201d<\/p>\n Faith is paramount for Gimeno, too. \u201cAs a Christian, I believe that God is there with me when I suffer and I believe that spending time with God is my joy\u2014there\u2019s this verse that says, \u2018the joy of the Lord is our strength.\u2019\u00a0Faith allows me to have peace in the turmoil.\u201d<\/p>\n Gimeno also doesn\u2019t have the time or energy to overthink things anymore. She\u2019s constantly tired from the autoimmune problems. She\u2019s watched friends die from the same diseases she has.<\/p>\n \u201cTime is a very important thing to me, and I cannot waste it.\u201d<\/p>\n Similarly, she\u2019s had a powerful shift in perspective. Just several months ago, she attended a social gathering\u2014the first one in five months, after enduring a traumatic event. She made an awkward comment and she didn\u2019t think the host liked her.<\/p>\n \u201cThe old me before I acquired all these autoimmune illnesses, when I was younger, would have relived that encounter at the party over and over again. The battle-tested version of me today is like,\u00a0Was this a life or death situation? No. Nobody died. Then, it\u2019s no big deal. Not everyone is going to like me, and that\u2019s OK.<\/em>\u00a0As I write this, I have friends who are dying slow painful deaths now due to their autoimmune diseases\u2014a party gone wrong is just a party gone wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n Pep talks and reminders of the incredible hardships she\u2019s faced help, too. \u201cIf I\u2019m nervous about a thing that makes a lot of people nervous like giving an important presentation before a board meeting, I\u2019ll give myself a pep talk like a trainer gives his boxer in between rounds. I tell myself, \u201c\u2026is this meeting harder than having your neck cut open and glued back together? Is this harder than having surgery without anesthesia? Then, it\u2019s not hard. Go in there and do it.\u201d<\/p>\n For Howard, honest, direct conversations are vital. \u201cIf my wife tells me she is happy with me, I believe her. Because I trust her to tell me when she is unhappy.\u201d The same is true for his Psych Central podcast<\/a> co-host, who he trusts to tell him when a show went well (and not-so well).<\/p>\n Howard also regularly repeats this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in his head: \u201cTo laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.\u00a0This is to have succeeded.\u201d<\/p>\n Gimeno suggested readers write down what you\u2019re proud of, and turn to this list any time you doubt yourself or feel down. This \u201ccan be anything from accomplishments that the world considers \u2018success\u2019 to the other things that are important to you like just surviving. This year, I survived a traumatic event.\u00a0That survival won\u2019t be something I list on my LinkedIn profile, but it\u2019s a big deal to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Howard keeps positive emails, awards and mementos, and turns to them when he\u2019s feeling awful. What things can you keep that remind you of your strengths and just how capable you really are?<\/p>\n Last, author of the book When Someone You Love is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner<\/a><\/em>, stressed the importance of replacing self-loathing thoughts with helpful, supportive thoughts. You can practice this by taking out a piece of paper; writing the negative thought on the left side; and writing at least three thoughts that challenge that hateful thought.<\/p>\n Last shared this example: You think, \u201cI hate myself. I have to take five medications to be OK!\u201d You come up with the following thought that actually serves you (and is very much true!): \u201cBipolar disorder is an illness. It\u2019s not my fault I have it and have to take meds for it. People with other types of illnesses have to take meds too to be OK.\u201d<\/p>\n And that\u2019s the thing: Bipolar disorder is<\/em> an illness. As Last said, you didn\u2019t choose to have it, and you couldn\u2019t have prevented it. \u201c[T]he condition doesn\u2019t define who you are as a human being; you have<\/em> bipolar disorder, but you aren\u2019t bipolar disorder.\u201d<\/p>\n Last likened it to hypothyroidism, which she has. \u201cI have thyroid disease but, of course, it\u2019s not the essence of who I am.\u201d And neither is bipolar disorder.<\/p>\n And here\u2019s another thing: You don\u2019t have to wait until the self-loathing lifts, until you finally feel good about yourself to treat yourself with kindness. Start treating yourself as though you appreciate and love yourself, as though you\u2019re absolutely worthy. And start doing it right now.<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Many people with bipolar disorder struggle with\u00a0self-loathing. Maybe the\u00a0self-loathing\u00a0starts as the depressive phase does with all sorts of awful thoughts about yourself. Because that\u2019s how depression works: It outright lies, and inflicts pain. You can\u2019t do anything right. You\u2019re an abject failure. You\u2019re also stupid. And worthless, and no one <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>What Helps to Shrink or Silence Self-Loathing<\/h3>\n
Exercises to Try<\/h3>\n
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Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> December 2, 2018<\/p>\n