Discipline<\/h3>\n
Most parents find discipline to be hard. It\u2019s hard when your toddler is having a major meltdown at mass or the grocery store. It\u2019s hard when they\u2019re sinking their nails into your skin. It\u2019s hard when your middle schooler takes your credit card and refuses to apologize.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard to be consistent. It\u2019s hard not to lose it when your child is not listening to you. For the billionth time. It\u2019s just hard to discipline, because parenting is hard.<\/p>\n
First, it\u2019s important to truly understand discipline. It doesn\u2019t mean to chastise or control. Dell\u2019Antonia<\/a> interviewed pediatrician and author Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, who emphasized that we are teachers, and our role lies in \u201cguiding a kid to navigate the world safely.\u201d<\/p>\n According to psychotherapist Tina Payne Bryson, \u201cthe behaviors that are the most challenging, and that drive us the craziest, are actually telling us something really important. They are telling us the specific areas in which our kids need teaching, support, and skill-building. Instead of focusing on what we need to take away<\/em> from our kids for them to learn their lesson, think instead of what we need to provide<\/em> for them to learn so that they become self-disciplined.\u201d<\/p>\n Dell\u2019Antonia reminds us that it\u2019s the nature of kids to explore, push, test, forget. Which is tough, because it also tends to happen when we\u2019re at our emptiest and most exhausted.<\/p>\n It\u2019s also important to discipline ourselves, and to stay as calm as possible. And if we can\u2019t, then it\u2019s important to take a break. Because here\u2019s the reality: Our stress response sparks our kids\u2019 stress response. According to Bryson, \u201cWhen we are reactive, angry, unpredictable, our children\u2019s primitive brains are getting the \u2018threat\u2019 signal, and the brain cares first about safety. No learning can be done when kids don\u2019t feel safe.\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes, it\u2019s helpful not to engage\u2014like when your child is having a mild tantrum or your teen is stomping around the house, screaming \u201cI hate you.\u201d Other times require clear-cut consequences\u2014like not being able to use your car for a month. The key is to carefully pick your consequences, and to hold firm.<\/p>\n Processing what happened is valuable, too. According to Dell\u2019Antonia, you might talk about why the child was tempted to behave the way they did, how they came to make the wrong decision, how they felt afterward, and how to keep it from happening again.<\/p>\n When things have calmed down, and you\u2019re back to normal (or as Dell\u2019Antonia writes, \u201cthe modified normal that is your punishment\u201d), tackle something together with your child. This helps you reconnect and remember you\u2019re on the same team. Maybe it\u2019s gardening, baking or cleaning out part of the basement.<\/p>\n Homework can be frustating for various reasons: Maybe your child gets massively anxious about getting the right answers. Maybe your child has various tantrums throughout the night over finishing a few fractions. Maybe they refuse to even get started. Maybe your kids are coming home with way too many assignments. Maybe you feel like homework hampers family time\u2014and everyone ends up feeling miserable.<\/p>\n The first step, according to Dell\u2019Antonia, is to change your perspective on homework. In short, it\u2019s not your <\/em>homework. When we shift the responsibility of homework from our kids to ourselves, we rob our kids of learning how to achieve on their own.<\/p>\n I love the analogy Dell\u2019Antonia uses: the goal of basketball isn\u2019t to get a ball through the hoop. \u201cIf it was, we could get a ladder, or lower the hoop, and then all go out for ice cream. But no, the goal is to learn to get the ball through the hoop as best as a player can and to figure out where you belong on a team, how to follow the rules, and even ultimately whether you really want to be on the court.\u201d<\/p>\n Plus, when you\u2019re emotionally invested in your child\u2019s homework, you send the message that what\u2019s more important than family time, your relationship with your child, or who they are is their book report, science project or report card. You also can become the bad guy: If you\u2019re involved in everything from nagging your child to sit down to making sure everything is done, and done correctly, suddenly it\u2019s all your fault that homework is hard and that they forgot it at home.<\/p>\n The key is to remember the actual goal of homework. It\u2019s for your child to learn, and to make mistakes (and again to learn). It tells the teacher how your child is doing. You also want to communicate to your child that you believe in their capabilities and competence, and that their \u201cbest work is good enough.\u201d<\/p>\n You can support your child by helping them understand instructions and by encouraging them to make intentional choices around homework. Dell\u2019Antonia shares this example: \u201cWhen are you planning to get your homework done? You\u2019ve got soccer from four to five and Holly is coming over for dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n She also notes that every situation is different, and every child is different.<\/p>\n Sometimes it\u2019s best to hire a tutor to work with your child, especially if helping them with instructions turns into you writing the whole paper. Another option is to talk to the teacher. Maybe your child is getting too much homework. Maybe you want to know how long an assignment is really supposed to take\u2014because your child seems to be taking much longer.<\/p>\n Parenting is hard. Many rewarding, meaningful things are. But we also can meet those challenges. Sometimes it requires a slight shift in thinking. Sometimes it requires creative strategies. Sometimes it requires letting go.<\/p>\n Either way, the annoying, frustrating parts don\u2019t have to become the whole pie. They can be a sliver, while the beautiful stuff is the biggest portion\u2014and only keeps growing.<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Parenting is an amazing adventure. It is an honor and a privilege to raise a human being. It is fascinating, and wonderful to witness your kids evolve, and to grow alongside them. But parenting also has many annoying parts\u2014frustrating, challenging, and sometimes downright maddening parts. And sometimes it\u2019s these annoying <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>Homework<\/h3>\n
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Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> October 6, 2018<\/p>\n