Tina thought the worst, \u201cHe is texting other women, he is planning to leave me.\u201d As soon as he put his phone back on the charger and walked away, Tina grabbed it and began reading through his conversations.<\/p>\n
When Jose came back from the washroom, he noticed that his phone was missing. \u00a0He was angry and demanded its immediate return. \u00a0She said, \u201cI didn\u2019t take it\u201d in a voice quivering with emotion. She was hoping to prevent the perceived impending abandonment. \u00a0Jose said, \u201cI want my phone back or it\u2019s all over.\u201d Tina\u2019s prophesy of abandonment was coming true! \u00a0Her behavior had brought about the destiny she hoped to avoid.<\/p>\n
She freaked out. Tina pushed Jose and called him a liar. He said, \u201cThat\u2019s it. I can\u2019t trust in you, I\u2019m leaving!\u201d Tina grabbed Jose and they wrestled around for a while until they were too tired to continue the game. She crawled into the bedroom, he fell onto the sofa. She couldn\u2019t sleep. \u00a0Tina got up and put her blanket over Jose. \u00a0He got and up and put the blanket over her. She got back up and put the blanket over him. \u00a0He figured, \u201cTo hell with it,\u201d and kept it.<\/p>\n
It turned out that Jose wasn\u2019t talking to other women after all. \u00a0He had been emailing his fantasy football friends, but that wasn\u2019t the issue. \u00a0His issue was trust, as hers was preventing abandonment.<\/p>\n
Jose remembers being told, \u201cYou can\u2019t trust people.\u201d Since his wife, Tina, was a person, he couldn\u2019t trust her.\u00a0None of this is rational, it isn\u2019t even conscious, but these lessons were destroying the marriage.<\/p>\n
In counseling, Tina was able to tell her husband Jose, her underlying fear of abandonment. Jose confessed his trouble with emotional vulnerability and that he couldn\u2019t even trust himself, let alone her.<\/p>\n
Both felt relief from a lifetime of being controlled by insecurities. Each reassured the other that these fears from the past were inappropriate in the present. \u00a0Both agreed that their suspicions were a cancer on their marriage, that it was exhausting and needed to stop.<\/p>\n
Their homework was to catch themselves about to overreact to some minor provocation, and then consciously choose not to blow it out of proportion for dramatic effect. \u00a0They were given the choice to do something else instead. They could choose to be honest and use their words (not their behavior) to express how each other\u2019s actions made them feel.<\/p>\n
They were able to identify three reasons to keep their relationship going:
\n1. I get you: I understand you
\n2. I\u2019m in your corner: I support you
\n3. What you say is significant: what you say is important<\/p>\n
The following weekend they were driving home from the movies. \u00a0Tina said that she didn\u2019t understand why the hero did what he did. \u00a0Jose was about to yell so as to demonstrate the supremacy of his insightful observations into human motivation, when his mental idiot-light went on \u201coverload.\u201d \u00a0He spared himself this cheap shot at his wife\u2019s expense. \u00a0Instead he chose to agree that the plot was hard to understand, and he did the best he could to enlighten her in language she could comprehend. \u00a0She didn\u2019t get it completely, but it helped. \u00a0What helped even more was that her husband was actually speaking to her in a tone as if she were an intelligent human being. He had risen to the occasion. She had made it easier for him to do so.<\/p>\n
Tina, in the absence of a dismissive and patronizing tone, was able to see how she had been provoking Jose all these years. \u00a0They realized that they had power over each other. No one can hurt you like your spouse and no one can make you feel good like your spouse.<\/p>\n
If Jose and Tina decide to stop pushing each other\u2019s buttons and act like adults, then they can be responsible for how their behavior shapes their partner\u2019s responses. If they decide to trust their judgment to solve problems as they occurred, rather then seek control to prevent potential disaster, they can feel confident. If they decide to give each other freedom to choose how to act and not be a parent to one another, they can feel respected. These choices promote honesty, trust and intimacy, which eliminates the need to defend from the threat of insecurity.<\/p>\n
iko\/Bigstock<\/small><\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Jose and Tina were at it again. \u00a0She saw Jose looking at his phone and turning his back to her. Tina thought the worst, \u201cHe is texting other women, he is planning to leave me.\u201d As soon as he put his phone back on the charger and walked away, Tina <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> March 1, 2019<\/p>\n