Kelly Hendricks knew she had a problem with over-apologizing when she bumped into a tree and blurted out, \u201cI\u2019m sorry!\u201d Hendricks used to apologize for everything<\/em>, she said.<\/p>\n Many of us apologize for everything, too. We apologize for needing space and for needing help. We apologize for \u201cbothering\u201d someone. We apologize for crying and for saying no. We apologize for apologizing. And maybe we even apologize for who we are. Maybe we even apologize for existing.<\/p>\n Where does this persistent impulse come from?<\/p>\n According to Manhattan psychotherapist Panthea Saidipour<\/a>, LCSW, \u201cThere are so many different roots that over-apologizing can stem from.\u201d<\/p>\n It might originate from feeling inadequate, unworthy and not good enough, said Hendricks<\/a>, a couple and family therapist in San Diego. \u201cThose who over-apologize often feel like a burden to others, as if their wants and needs are not important\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Feeling like a burden also can play out in this way, said Saidipour, who works with young professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves: You\u2019re having a hard time, and your partner has been incredibly supportive. They listen to you and clear their schedule to be with you. But, instead of feeling grateful when your partner does something kind, you apologize for being so needy and for making them \u201cgo through the trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n In short, it\u2019s like you \u201capologize for having any needs at all,\u201d Saidipour said. This might derive from being raised by a parent who had unmet or overwhelming needs, and thereby \u201chad a low tolerance or even contempt for your needs.\u201d<\/p>\n Over-apologizing also can stem from a self-worth that\u2019s shackled to shame. Saidipour noted that shame says \u201cI am<\/em> bad\u201d (versus guilt, which says \u201cI did something bad\u201d). Shame \u201cpushes us to hide ourselves, our needs, our core badness.\u201d Sometimes, guilt can conceal shame, she said: \u201cI did something bad because I\u00a0am<\/em>\u00a0bad.\u201d<\/p>\n (You can recognize that shame is at the root if you chronically feel guilty for something even though you\u2019ve sincerely apologized and adjusted your behavior, Saidipour said.)<\/p>\n You might over-apologize because you want to be seen as a \u201cgood person,\u201d Hendricks said. Like many people, maybe you were praised and rewarded for putting others first, she said. Maybe you learned that it\u2019s best to sacrifice yourself for others, or to think less of yourself (because being humble is being good!).<\/p>\n Another reason for over-apologizing comes from wanting to \u201cavoid conflict at all costs,\u201d Saidipour said. Because you fear \u201cwhere that conflict can lead. Fears often have an understandable history behind them, and they make perfect sense if we understand the context.\u201d<\/p>\n She shared this example: You\u2019re quick to apologize to your friends, because you\u2019re worried they\u2019ll get mad at you, and you want to stop the conflict before it ever starts. Maybe you do this because you grew up in a household where conflict sparked screaming matches, harsh punishment and broken objects. Or maybe conflict led to \u201cbeing iced out and given the cold shoulder, which for a kid can feel tantamount to being abandoned.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, instead of seeing conflict as an opportunity to understand each other\u2019s perspective, work through the issue, and become closer, you see it as \u201cbeing hurt, shamed, or emotionally abandoned.\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes, we over-apologize because we\u2019re afraid to own up to messing up, Saidipour said. \u201c\u2018Sorry\u2019 actually becomes a demand to be absolved of any wrong-doing.\u201d It says, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, so you can\u2019t be mad at me.\u201d That is, we apologize because we need to feel good about ourselves, and we need to believe we always do the right thing.<\/p>\n So what can you do about your over-apologizing?<\/p>\n Saidipour and Hendricks shared these suggestions.<\/p>\n Delve deeper.<\/strong> Getting to the root of your over-apologizing is first and foremost. Saidipour suggested exploring these questions:<\/p>\n Believe that you matter. <\/strong>Hendricks stressed the importance of believing that you\u2019re just as important as anyone else and your thoughts, words and wants are of value. And it\u2019s OK if you have to \u201cfake it till you make it,\u201d because you don\u2019t believe that you matter. Yet.<\/em> Try to see every situation, along with your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, through that lens\u2014that, yes, you do indeed matter, she said.<\/p>\n Replace self-defeating thoughts.<\/strong> According to Hendricks, if your mind tells you, \u201cThere\u2019s no way you can do this,\u201d you might say: \u201cYes, I can, and this is how I will,\u201d or \u201cI may not know how I will get there, but I will do my best to find out.\u201d<\/p>\n Psychologist Mary Plouffe, Ph.D, suggested transforming self-defeating thoughts<\/a> by considering these questions: \u201cWould I say that to anyone else I wanted to support? \u2026 Is there anything useful that can come out of my holding onto this thought? If not, how can I transform it into something I can use to help me? Does it reflect the truth or just my worst fears about myself and the world?\u201d<\/p>\n Be intentional about what you consume.<\/strong> If we consistently read or hear messages that say we\u2019re not important or enough, over time, these words will become belief systems that strengthen our insecurity and self-doubt\u2014 and lead us to needlessly apologize, Hendricks said.<\/p>\n She noted that there are many conflicting messages about who we\u2019re supposed to be, and how we\u2019re supposed to think and act. \u201cMen are supposed to be sensitive, but also strong enough to take care of a family; they are supposed to anticipate a woman\u2019s needs while also knowing when to speak and when to listen.\u201d\u00a0Women, she said, are criticized for everything.<\/p>\n \u201cWith all the noise out there, it\u2019s vital to pay attention and filter what messages are flying your way.\u201d<\/p>\n Be particular about the people in your life.<\/strong> Surround yourself with people who \u201csupport your right to an opinion, even if it\u2019s different than their\u2019s, who make room for your wants and needs, and who treat you as a person with value,\u201d Hendricks said.<\/p>\n Seek therapy.<\/strong> Working with a therapist can be invaluable in helping you gain a deeper understanding into why you over-apologize and do something about it.<\/p>\n Take the example of shame: Shame conceals the parts of ourselves that feel bad and unlovable. These parts have been in a kind of \u201cdeep freeze with layers and layers of shame around them to try to keep them from being discovered,\u201d said Saidipour. Therapy involves creating a safe relationship with a therapist so you can first become aware of this shame.<\/p>\n \u201cOver time in therapy we can get curious together about the backstory of the how, when, and why those parts got sent to deep freeze, who sent them there, and why they\u2019re wrapped up with so much shame. This process, of being deeply known to another person and of creating a narrative together about the origins of those shame-laden frozen parts, starts to dissolve the shame and thaw those parts of ourselves so that we can live more fully and freely moving forward.\u201d<\/p>\n Typically, this shame is tied to parts of ourselves that weren\u2019t accepted or understood as we were growing up. Which leads us to think that these parts are clearly awful (and must be hidden). Therapy can help us realize that they\u2019re not so shameful, after all\u2014and maybe even gain a new appreciation for them, Saidipour said.<\/p>\n Your tendency to over-apologize can be an important clue into what you need to work on. And that\u2019s a good thing. Because once you know what\u2019s driving your seemingly automatic apologies, you can start making meaningful changes.<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There are times when saying you\u2019re sorry makes sense. You bumped into someone. You said something hurtful. You yelled. You arrived late to lunch. You missed a friend\u2019s birthday. But many of us over-apologize. That is, we apologize for things we don\u2019t need to apologize for. Kelly Hendricks knew she <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>\n
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Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> February 21, 2019<\/p>\n