You hate when someone is upset with you.<\/p>\n
You regularly find yourself feeling overwhelmed because you have about 100,000,000 things on your plate (again, because you struggle with saying no).<\/p>\n
Maybe you don\u2019t do all these things. But you do many of them. Which officially makes you a people pleaser. Which makes setting boundaries really, really hard for you.<\/p>\n
This is absolutely understandable. It makes sense. Because your need to people please likely has a long history, and you\u2019ve been doing it for a variety of\u2014good\u2014reasons.<\/p>\n
According to psychologist Lauren Appio<\/a>, Ph.D, \u201cpeople pleasing is a survival strategy, and it becomes so well-practiced that setting limits can be frightening and seem impossible.\u201d Appio specializes in working with individuals in New York City who are caregivers and people pleasers and struggle with codependency.<\/p>\n Fara Tucker<\/a>, a clinical social worker in Portland, also noted that setting boundaries \u201ccan feel like a risk to [one\u2019s] survival.\u201d Early on, people pleasers learn that their value derives from meeting other people\u2019s needs and from being helpful and overly accommodating, said Tucker, who supports helpers, healers, and people pleasers in clarifying and communicating their needs and boundaries so they may care for themselves as well as they do others.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is not hyperbolic to say that many people pleasers never learned that they are separate people with needs and preferences who exist independent of their value to others. Therefore, the idea of saying no to what someone else wants is almost unthinkable and often terrifying.\u201d<\/p>\n It also can feel threatening. According to Tucker, people pleasers may think, \u201cwho am I if I\u2019m not doing what other people want me to do?\u201d In other words, she said, if you pride yourself on being \u201cgenerous,\u201d \u201cdependable,\u201d and \u201csomeone people can always<\/em> count on,\u201d saying no and setting boundaries can feel threatening to your very identity.<\/p>\n People pleasers say yes for all sorts of other reasons, Tucker said. You yearn for approval and love. You want to avoid conflict or abandonment. You believe you don\u2019t have the right to set boundaries. You believe that saying yes is what you\u2019re supposed<\/em> to do. Because being agreeable and nice is what good people do.<\/p>\n However, setting boundaries is critical\u2014for your relationships, for your sanity, and for building a fulfilling life. Because if you\u2019re constantly saying yes to everyone else, when do you have the time and energy to devote to what inspires and uplifts you? When do you say yes to your own needs, wants and wishes? Do you even know what they are? <\/em><\/p>\n Still, as a seasoned people pleaser, it\u2019s really tough to see and appreciate the value of boundaries, especially when setting them feels so uncomfortable and foreign and counter-intuitive for you.<\/p>\n As such, below you\u2019ll find some things to keep in mind, including precisely why boundaries are so essential. Think of this as a kind of pep talk to help empower you to set and maintain firm boundaries that sincerely support you<\/em>.<\/p>\n You can change. <\/strong>The term \u201cpeople pleaser\u201d is used here for brevity, but it\u2019s very easy to assume that this is part of your personality. It\u2019s just the way I am<\/em>. As Tucker said, labels \u201ccan suggest permanency or that this behavior is part [of your] identity\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n But that\u2019s just it: People pleasing is \u201cjust a behavior, a pattern, a habit.\u201d<\/p>\n Tucker noted that we\u2019ve learned this kind of behavior, which also means that we can unlearn<\/em> it.<\/p>\n \u201cWe develop strategies as children based on our assessment of the best way to stay safe and get our needs met in our particular environment. Then, often these strategies can become automatic and carry into adulthood and into situations where they no longer serve us.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, it\u2019s understandable why people pleasing comes so naturally to you, and why it\u2019s so tough to change your ways. But! The good news is that you can<\/em> change these ways.<\/p>\n Boundaries provide critical information. <\/strong>According to Appio, boundary setting is revealing when it comes to the nature of our relationships. If someone is unwilling to accept that you have different needs or boundaries than they do, this is likely a sign that \u201csomething about your relationship may need to change.\u201d Those changes might include everything from spending less time with the person to attending therapy together to going your separate ways.<\/p>\n Boundaries reduce resentment. <\/strong>When you say yes all the time, you might be consciously or subconsciously waiting for all your selfless deeds to be repaid, or for the other person to shower you with praise and gratefulness, Tucker said.<\/p>\n And you might be waiting a while. Which only grows and deepens your resentment, which only chips away at your relationship (and your affection toward the person).<\/p>\n Setting limits, however, protects you from feeling resentful, and it reduces the strain in your relationships, Appio said. She shared a quote from Bren\u00e9 Brown that speaks to this: \u201cChoose discomfort over resentment.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBy doing the stressful work of setting a boundary in the short term, you choose relief, trusting relationships, and self-respect in the long-term,\u201d Appio said.<\/p>\n Loose boundaries lead to burnout\u2014and a loss of identity.<\/strong> Not having boundaries spikes stress and leads you to feel \u201cdepleted, depressed, anxious, exhausted,\u201d Tucker said. The more you hustle for approval, the further away you get from yourself, she said.<\/p>\n People pleasers \u201coften feel lost, disconnected, like they don\u2019t know who they \u2018really\u2019 are or what makes them happy because they are always focused on what others want them to be.\u201d<\/p>\n Loose boundaries lead to disconnected relationships. <\/strong>As a people pleaser, you assume that saying yes will lead to feeling accepted, loved and valued, Tucker said. But it doesn\u2019t. Instead, it leads to relationships that are empty, inauthentic and have a \u201cfalse foundation.\u201d<\/p>\n After all, how can you feel seen and known and heard when you aren\u2019t being yourself?<\/p>\n One of the biggest reasons we try to please others is because we want to hold on to all relationships, Tucker said. However, \u201cthe goal shouldn\u2019t be to keep all relationships, but to nurture the ones that are healthy and mutually beneficial.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, as you start asserting your needs and setting firmer boundaries, some people may balk at this\u2014and you might have to spend less time with them, or end the relationship altogether.<\/p>\n \u201cThis can be very painful, but it also makes room in your life for people who will not only tolerate your boundaries, but celebrate and honor them,\u201d Tucker said.<\/p>\n And \u201cdiscovering and articulating our boundaries is incredibly empowering. It\u2019s a way of saying to ourselves and the world: I exist. I matter.\u201d<\/p>\n Because you do.<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Saying no to someone makes you very uncomfortable. So you don\u2019t. You\u2019re always available to everyone. In fact, you tend to put others\u2019 needs above your own. Without hesitation. You rarely express a differing opinion (even when you clearly disagree). You apologize. A lot. You hate when someone is upset <\/p>\n Read More<\/a><\/p>\n
Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> March 4, 2019<\/p>\n