But how do you set boundaries when it\u2019s so unfamiliar and awkward, and you\u2019re so out of practice?<\/p>\n
Below, you\u2019ll find seven tips to help\u2014from navigating your stubborn guilt to making it easier for you to say no.<\/p>\n
Use self-soothing techniques.<\/strong> Setting boundaries is going to be uncomfortable, and bring up other surprising reactions. This might include everything from anxiety and fear to shame and sadness to guilt and anger, said Fara Tucker<\/a>, LCSW, a clinical social worker in Portland who supports helpers, healers, and people pleasers in clarifying and communicating their needs and boundaries so they may care for themselves as well as they do others.<\/p>\n It also might include physiological responses, such as increased heart rate, sweating, tense muscles, upset stomach and feeling spacey, stiff, heavy, and restless, she said. This is why it\u2019s helpful to start with your body, and physically soothe the discomfort. Psychologist Lauren Appio<\/a>, Ph.D, suggested practicing deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, along with engaging your senses by listening to your favorite music or going for a walk.<\/p>\n Try empowering self-talk. <\/strong>Pay close attention to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations before, during, and after you set a boundary, said Appio, who specializes in working with individuals who are caregivers and people pleasers and struggle with codependency in New York City. Notice what you\u2019re saying to yourself that makes you feel guilty or leads you to quit on boundary setting\u2014and \u201ccome up with countering statements that make you feel calmer and empowered.\u201d<\/p>\n Appio shared these suggestions for countering statements: \u201cEveryone gets to set limits, including me,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re doing the right thing,\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s OK. You\u2019re OK. You\u2019re going to make it through this.\u201d Tucker shared these examples: \u201cThis is hard and unfamiliar. This feels uncomfortable. I have a right to set boundaries. This is new to me. I\u2019m scared, but I can survive this.\u201d<\/p>\n Start super small. <\/strong>Tucker suggested setting boundaries in \u201clow-stakes situations,\u201d such as \u201ctelling the server they got your order wrong\u201d (versus telling your mom you\u2019re not going to her house for the holidays).<\/p>\n Practice with a supportive person. <\/strong>When you\u2019re a seasoned people pleaser, it\u2019s hard to imagine the benefits of setting boundaries, Appio said. \u201cYour brain needs new data: People pleasing is not the strategy you have to use to keep yourself safe and maintain your relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n Which is why Appio recommended picking a supportive person (e.g., a friend or therapist), and honestly expressing your preferences or setting boundaries. This way, \u201cyou can have positive experiences that will motivate you to keep trying.\u201d<\/p>\n Buy time. <\/strong>\u201cInstead of expecting yourself to say no on the spot, which might feel impossible, get in the habit of saying something that gives you a chance to think it through,\u201d Tucker said. This is also important because, as she said, the point of boundaries isn\u2019t to say no to everything<\/em>. The point is to be intentional. It\u2019s to check in with yourself and make sure you actually want to do what it being asked of you.<\/p>\n Think of a statement or two that you can have at the ready. According to Tucker, those might be: \u201cLet me look at my calendar and get back to you.\u201d \u201cI need to think about that. I\u2019ll call\/email\/text you later\/tomorrow\/next week.\u201d \u201cHmm. I\u2019m not sure if I\u2019m able to do that. I\u2019ll be in touch soon.\u201d \u201cI need to check with my partner first to see if we\u2019re free.\u201d<\/p>\n Realize that you have limits\u2014everyone does.<\/strong> Guilt stems from having unrealistic expectations. That is, we feel guilty for setting boundaries because we believe we should be able to do it all. Teachout said \u201cThis is living in the land of \u201cwhat if.\u201d Which is based on our imagination, not the reality.<\/p>\n \u201cReality says we have limits to how many things we can keep track of, how much energy we have in a given day and the extent of our skills for working within any given situation. If someone asked someone with no training in automobiles to take apart the engine of a Tesla and put it back together, should they feel guilty for being unable?\u201d<\/p>\n Similarly, saying no, Teachout said, isn\u2019t about denying someone want they want; it\u2019s about knowing yourself because you wouldn\u2019t be able to do it anyway\u2014again, because you don\u2019t have the time or resources or energy. Having a hard time with setting boundaries today doesn\u2019t mean having a hard time tomorrow. That is, with practice, boundary setting will feel more natural, and it will get easier. The key is to start\u2014and keep going. You can absolutely change your behavior. Because that\u2019s really all it is: People pleasing isn\u2019t some permanent trait. It\u2019s a behavior you can alter. One boundary at a time.<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When you\u2019re a people pleaser, setting boundaries can feel painful. We worry we\u2019ll hurt someone\u2019s feelings. We fear we\u2019ll fracture the relationship. We think saying no is rude or cruel or not compassionate\u2014and we see ourselves as the opposite of these things. And we simply don\u2019t have much practice with <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>
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\nBe patient and kind with yourself.<\/strong> Remind yourself that you\u2019re learning a new skill, and that takes time and practice. You might have many slip-ups, and take a few wrong turns. Try to be kind to yourself the whole time. As Tucker said, the part of you that believes you don\u2019t have a right (or it\u2019s not safe) to set boundaries may be screaming. This part is trying to protect you, and keep you safe. \u201cThat part needs love and tenderness, not more judgment.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> March 20, 2019<\/p>\n