Psychotherapist Colleen Mullen, Psy.D, LMFT, noted that many of us worry that we\u2019ll just make the other person more upset or uncomfortable by revealing that we know something\u2019s wrong.<\/p>\n
Or maybe we don\u2019t realize the extent of their pain. \u201cI\u2019ve seen many times how family members said in reflection, \u2018I thought they were just going through something\u2019 or \u2018I didn\u2019t think they were that<\/em> depressed,\u2019\u201d said Mullen, founder of the Coaching Through Chaos<\/a> private practice and podcast in San Diego.<\/p>\n Before her bipolar II disorder diagnosis, Julie Kraft<\/a> also might\u2019ve distanced herself from friends with mental illness\u2014\u201cnot out of not caring, but rather, out of not knowing\u00a0how\u00a0to care. My silence would have only been a result of being terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.\u201d<\/p>\n However, there are many ways we can help\u2014small ways that can be significantly helpful and supportive.<\/p>\n For Fiona Thomas<\/a>, a writer who has depression and anxiety, this looks like a loved one ordering takeout and making her a cup of tea. \u201cFeeling taken care of is a massive support because often I feel so mentally stimulated that I can\u2019t do simple tasks or make decisions,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n Thomas also finds it comforting when her husband tells her these words: \u201cYou won\u2019t feel like this forever.\u201d He reminds her of specific times they\u2019ve laughed or enjoyed themselves, which reminds Thomas that \u201csad feelings do pass eventually.\u201d<\/p>\n Below are other tips and examples of small ways to sincerely support someone when they\u2019re struggling.<\/p>\n Check in. <\/strong>According to Thomas, author of the book Depression in a Digital Age: The Highs and Lows of Perfectionism<\/a><\/em>, \u201cthe worst thing you can do is assume that someone with a mental illness will ask for help when they need it.\u201d That\u2019s because their instinct might be to isolate themselves (plus withdrawing from others is a symptom of depression).<\/p>\n Thomas suggested simply checking in, which might be anything from sending a text to see how they\u2019re feeling to stopping by with food or their favorite coffee just to talk.<\/p>\n As Mullen added, you also can simply say, \u201cHi, I was thinking of you and wanted to connect.\u201d<\/p>\n Ask directly how you can help.<\/strong> Kraft, author of the book The Other Side of Me: Memoir of a Bipolar Mind<\/a><\/em>, suggested asking this question when the person is feeling well. \u201cDoing this increases the chances of\u00a0getting an honest answer, without a wall of defensiveness, hurt feelings, pride getting in the way, or being completely\u00a0shut out,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n Carolyn Ferreira<\/a>, Psy.D, a psychologist in Bend, Ore., suggested saying: \u201cI want to help you, but I\u2019m not sure how.\u00a0How can I really help you?\u00a0What would you like me to do?\u00a0What would you like me to say?\u00a0What do you want me not<\/em> to do?\u201d<\/p>\n Offer specific examples. <\/strong>Sometimes, the person isn\u2019t sure what they need. Sometimes, they don\u2019t want to burden you. And sometimes, they\u2019re simply too overwhelmed to think about it.<\/p>\n Ferreira shared these specific examples you might suggest: helping with finding a therapist or an inpatient program; providing childcare so they can get to a counseling appointment; giving\u00a0a hug or advice; or just listening. For instance, you can say: I\u2019d be happy to watch your kids while you go see your therapist. <\/em><\/p>\n Help with daily tasks. <\/strong>\u201cDuring my darker times, it is easy for me to get overwhelmed by the normal daily tasks that come with being a busy wife and mom,\u201d said Kraft, who has three children. \u201cGetting groceries, keeping my house clean, or doing laundry can sometimes seem like climbing Mount Everest.\u201d<\/p>\n This is why having a friend help with these daily tasks or just offer<\/em> their help can be invaluable. \u201cSometimes just knowing that I have a support system waiting in the wings is enough to help me push through,\u201d Kraft said.<\/p>\n Express your love and acceptance. <\/strong>Both Kraft and Ferreira stressed the importance of telling the person that you love and care for them. \u201cThis can fill our tanks and give us a reservoir\u00a0of positivity to light up even our darkest moments,\u201d Kraft said.<\/p>\n Ask thoughtful questions. <\/strong>For Kraft, it also means a lot when people take a genuine interest in trying to understand what it\u2019s actually like to live with bipolar disorder. After all, part of being a compassionate friend is trying to see the world through the other person\u2019s eyes, and heart.<\/p>\n Honor their tendencies. <\/strong>Respect how the other person wants to be supported\u2014and how they are (if you know this). For instance, for Kraft, a self-described extreme introvert, phone calls are uncomfortable and \u201crepresent a million possible requests that I won\u2019t be able to say \u2018no\u2019 to.\u201d So when a friend texts or emails her, it means that they\u2019ve not only listened but \u201care now respecting the way I\u2019m wired.\u201d<\/p>\n The same goes for when a friend suggests a coffee date a few months in advance, as \u201cspontaneity does not exist in my world.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI feel incredibly safe and understood in that relationship. It all sends a powerful message to me that I\u2019m not weird, I\u2019m not high-maintenance, and I\u2019m surrounded by people who are willing to help make life a little easier for me.\u201d<\/p>\n Ask if they\u2019re suicidal. <\/strong>This, of course, can feel like a scary topic to bring up. Many people also worry that if they ask this question, they\u2019ll be putting the idea in the other person\u2019s mind. You won\u2019t. As Ferreira said, if the person is struggling with depression, chances are they\u2019ve already thought about suicide.<\/p>\n She suggested directly saying: \u201cSometimes people who are depressed have thoughts of suicide; I\u2019m wondering if you\u2019ve had thoughts of suicide.\u201d\u00a0If they say they haven\u2019t, she suggested telling them that they should let someone know if they ever do have these thoughts.<\/p>\n If they say yes, Ferreira shared these additional suggestions:<\/p>\n For more information, check out this article<\/a> on what to say to someone who\u2019s suicidal, which also includes other helpful resources.<\/p>\n Ultimately, the kindest thing we can do is what we\u2019d do for any loved one struggling with anything: Be there. Be there to listen. Be there to sit with their pain. Be there to encourage them to seek help. And be there to take some of the load off their shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is so comforting for me to simply have the knowledge that I have people in my life that haven\u2019t backed away and have accepted me for who I am,\u201d Kraft said. \u201cPeople who have stayed. People who have let me know that if I\u00a0did<\/em>\u00a0need them to deliver a meal or pick up my kids from school, they would. Without judgment.\u201d<\/p>\n Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You know your friend is struggling with depression or anxiety or some other mental health issue, but you don\u2019t know what to say. You feel like anything you think about saying just sounds stupid and patronizing. You also aren\u2019t sure what to do. After all, you don\u2019t want to intrude. <\/p>\n Read More<\/a>\n
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Shared by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., Contributing Blogger<\/a> March 31, 2019<\/p>\n