{"id":8080,"date":"2019-07-30T09:13:19","date_gmt":"2019-07-30T14:13:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/angry-at-everyone-the-impossible-standard-of-perfection\/"},"modified":"2019-07-30T09:13:19","modified_gmt":"2019-07-30T14:13:19","slug":"angry-at-everyone-the-impossible-standard-of-perfection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/angry-at-everyone-the-impossible-standard-of-perfection\/","title":{"rendered":"Angry at Everyone? The Impossible Standard of Perfection"},"content":{"rendered":"

I had a client named Jack, who couldn\u2019t see why he shouldn\u2019t be \u201chard\u201d on his wife\u00a0and kids. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

It was for their own good. \u201cI\u2019m no harder on them than I am on myself,\u201d he would say. In reality, no good could come of his critical and blaming approach to personal improvement.<\/span><\/p>\n

During his first session, Jack told me how he often made mean and critical remarks at his wife and kids. How he regretted his out of control rages. How he always apologized afterwards, as if saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d made their hurt and fear go away. They were not impressed by these apologies. They knew he would repeat the whole scenario all over again.<\/span><\/p>\n

In listening to the circumstances that provoked Jack\u2019s anger, such as his wife, Jane\u2019s grocery bills, 7 year-old, Jimmy\u2019s disrespect, 5 year-old Jill\u2019s \u201claziness,\u201d a pattern of vulnerabilities became apparent. <\/span><\/p>\n

In response, I asked Jack a focusing question:<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cWhat do all these anger provoking situations have in common?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cNothing. They\u2019re all different.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cThat\u2019s true. Jane spends too much money on food, Jimmy is rude and Jill is irresponsible. But is there a common denominator?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cI don\u2019t see any.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cThe common denominator of your anger at your wife and kids is that they make mistakes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cI don\u2019t have a problem with that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cYou should have a problem with it because your anger at mistakes is making everyone miserable, even you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cShould I kiss my kids on the cheek for being disrespectful?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cIs there no middle ground between kissing and abusing? Do you see how scornful you are of people who do not live up to your impossible standard of perfection?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cThey can try, can\u2019t they?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cThey have been trying all along; they just can\u2019t succeed. You have set them up for failure. They have become anxious, discouraged and depressed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with wanting people to be right and not wrong?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cQuite a bit. You learned about right and wrong as a child. You want to avoid mistakes. This is known as perfection. Your perception was accurate, but your comprehension and interpretation were limited by your development. Your understanding is still immature and incomplete.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cHow can I change?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cThat\u2019s a good question. We do not change by making New Year\u2019s Resolutions. We change by taking an appropriate action in the real world.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack: \u201cWhat can I do when the kids do something wrong?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Therapist: \u201cIt\u2019s not a matter or right or wrong. It\u2019s about accepting them and all people as imperfect. If their imperfect behavior or choices make you angry, you can choose to say, \u2018It makes me angry when you do that\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack did his homework that weekend. He had taken the family out sailing on the lake. It was Jack\u2019s job to pilot the boat while his wife Jane was in charge of the docking. As they were pulling into the slip that evening, Jack was yelling demands and criticizing as usual. Jane hopped onto the pier and began to tie up the boat. <\/span><\/p>\n

Jack yelled, \u201cYou are doing it wrong,\u201d She untied the rope and tried it over. \u201cThat\u2019s still no good,\u201d yelled Jack again. Jane, who was used to this by now, sighed and untied the rope again. Jack was about to yell at her again when he caught himself. \u201cIt\u2019s not wrong,\u201d he said to himself, \u201cit is different then my way, it\u2019s good enough. Have I been doing this to her all of our relationship? My God, no one deserves to be treated like this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jack apologized to Jane, but this time he meant it. He was sorry about a lot of things. He knew what he had to do. He had to start letting go of things that didn\u2019t make any difference. He was able to remind himself that he is not required to prevent bad things from happening in an imperfect world. He can take life as it comes and do the best he can with it.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>

Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I had a client named Jack, who couldn\u2019t see why he shouldn\u2019t be \u201chard\u201d on his wife\u00a0and kids. It was for their own good. \u201cI\u2019m no harder on them than I am on myself,\u201d he would say. In reality, no good could come of his critical and blaming approach to <\/p>\n

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Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> July 30, 2019<\/p>\n

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