{"id":8136,"date":"2019-10-10T17:47:41","date_gmt":"2019-10-10T22:47:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/standards-and-expectations-are-you-good-enough\/"},"modified":"2019-10-10T17:47:42","modified_gmt":"2019-10-10T22:47:42","slug":"standards-and-expectations-are-you-good-enough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/standards-and-expectations-are-you-good-enough\/","title":{"rendered":"Standards and Expectations: Are You Good Enough"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"notes\"The media is full of experts giving people advice. They tell us how to be good parents, loving spouses, supportive friends. The press is full of tips for handling our aging parents, our difficult bosses. The problem is most of it doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

There are many reasons why superficial, impersonal advice doesn\u2019t have deep and permanent effects. In my opinion it is because these recommendations are based on generalities; a one size fits all, lowest common denominator approach. But for specific situations, these \u2018experts\u2019 can\u2019t give any answers since they don\u2019t know:
\n1) What the underlying issues are.
\n2) What each person is trying to achieve.
\n3) How the person being advised feels.
\n4) The expectations they have towards the people they are trying to relate to.
\n5) The unique context and circumstance in which the advice is applied.<\/p>\n

I do not encourage people to give advice out of context. I try to help my clients find where their problems fit in their lives. In doing so, my clients discover choices they didn\u2019t know they had. I don\u2019t broadly say, \u201cLeave him, He\u2019s no good for you.\u201d I encourage them to push their comfort zones by taking appropriate risks. For example, there is a risk in staying together and a risk in separating.<\/p>\n

However, before I can discuss their choices, I have to do some exploration. The client may know what they would like to have happen, but they cannot find a way to make it so. So I want to identify the obstacles, so the client can remove them. To identify these submerged barriers, I rely on focusing questions.<\/p>\n

For example, a client might ask:<\/p>\n

(Client) \u201cHow can I get my wife to give me affection?\u201d
\n(Therapist) \u201cWhat is the worst part?\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cI\u2019m stuck. I\u2019ve done everything I can think of.\u201d
\n(T) \u201cDo you see yourself as a good husband? You have to feel worthy of love before you can seek affection from others.\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cHow do I do that?\u201d
\n(T) \u201cWhat has to happen first?\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cI don\u2019t have a clue.\u201d
\n(T) \u201cYou have to know what your own standards of a good husband are. Otherwise you strive to achieve unrealistic expectations and end up failing. We often base our expectations of success on examples or the role models you learned to follow. You have to know what your own definition is of a good husband, father, son, sibling, employee, friend are so you can determine what steps to take\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cHow do I do that?\u201d
\n(T) \u201cBy setting your own standards of good enough. If we look for others to tell us when we are good enough, it\u2019s like running a race where someone keeps moving the finishing line. A good husband does A, B and C. Then after you do it, your spouse says \u2018A good husband does A, B, C and X, Y, Z.\u201d This will leave us feeling frustrated because no matter how much we do, it is never good enough. Being good enough involves taking risks to live up to your own standards of success.\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to upset my wife. I\u2019m afraid of failing as a husband\u201d
\n(T) \u201cWhat does it mean to be a successful husband?\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cI don\u2019t know..give my wife everything she wants?\u201d
\n(T) \u201cWell our wants are endless, as soon as we get everything we want, we will want more. You have to have courage.\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cHow do I get courage?\u201d
\n(T) \u201cWhat has to happen first?\u201d<\/p>\n

(C) \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d
\n(T) \u201cYou have to know what courage is. Courage is the willingness to take a risk, to push your comfort zone and do something hard, like risking disapproval and do it anyways. The act of making something happen is taking a risk, which regardless of the outcome, will you giving feelings of accomplishment, success, confidence, maturity and self-respect.\u201d<\/p>\n

Couple in therapy image<\/a> available from Shutterstock.<\/small><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>

Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The media is full of experts giving people advice. They tell us how to be good parents, loving spouses, supportive friends. The press is full of tips for handling our aging parents, our difficult bosses. The problem is most of it doesn\u2019t work. There are many reasons why superficial, impersonal <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> October 10, 2019<\/p>\n

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