{"id":8158,"date":"2019-10-19T20:32:39","date_gmt":"2019-10-20T01:32:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/how-anger-destroys-your-relationships-and-how-to-regain-control\/"},"modified":"2019-10-19T20:32:39","modified_gmt":"2019-10-20T01:32:39","slug":"how-anger-destroys-your-relationships-and-how-to-regain-control","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/how-anger-destroys-your-relationships-and-how-to-regain-control\/","title":{"rendered":"How Anger Destroys Your Relationships and How to Regain Control"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Accusing our loved one of being \u201coverly sensitive\u201d or having \u201cno sense of humor\u201d doesn\u2019t change the fact that they are feeling pain because of something we have said or done.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Guest blogger Stephanie Quattrocki shares her thoughts on the impact anger has on relationships and how to heal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was angry when I said that, I didn\u2019t mean it, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d \u00a0This seems like the right thing to say after snapping unnecessarily at someone we love.<\/span><\/p>\n

If this is something we say to resolve conflict in our relationships, \u00a0I acknowledge your willingness to admit fault and seek forgiveness. \u00a0That\u2019s hard to do and it requires a certain amount of inner strength. However, \u00a0it does nothing \u00a0to heal the damage done. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Unbridled, anger tears at the flesh of a person\u2019s self worth. Words that come from anger create a landscape of blame, hurt, shame and confusion. Just because we didn\u2019t mean to detonate the bomb, doesn\u2019t excuse the explosion.<\/span><\/p>\n

Apologies are not refresh buttons, to be pushed anytime the system gets jammed. Apologies lose their strength when they are thoughtlessly and repetitiously repeated. The most important part to apologizing is to understand the impact our actions have on the people we love. This insight reinforces our commitment and motivates us to make a behavioral change in a constructive way. <\/span><\/p>\n

Here are two examples of how\u00a0 <\/span>uncontrolled anger is most likely killing our relationships. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

1. It disrupts our ability to connect<\/span><\/p>\n

Anger inhibits the expression of vulnerability. Vulnerability is that beautiful, pristine place where trust is born. \u00a0Vulnerability is necessary for amazing sex, empathy, thoughtfulness, patience, and selfless generosity. These are all elements of a healthy relationships, which spring from the ability to be vulnerable in the presence of another.<\/span><\/p>\n

People who have been struck by undisciplined anger, learn to protect themselves from future attack. They avoid being vulnerable and a relationship\u2019s authentic connection dies.<\/span><\/p>\n

2. \u00a0Anger dilutes the accuracy of our word<\/span><\/p>\n

Uncontrolled, hurtful speech is destabilizing. \u00a0It is so painful, so unwarranted, so ambushing \u2026 it leaves a welt on the soul. When others\u2019 feelings and experiences are devalued by brushing over it with .. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean what I just said\u201d \u00a0the wounded must then decipher which version of their beloved are they to believe. The kind, remorseful one or the angry, hateful one? <\/span><\/p>\n

In turn, it becomes the task of the wounded to forgive. They have to trust the person who has just profoundly hurt them. That is an impossible and obscene request. \u00a0Trust in the angry person is not at all deserved in that moment. \u00a0To offer that trust, \u00a0the wounded have to believe their beloved\u2019s angry words did not mean what they said. \u00a0Its a covert way to dismantle their sense of reality. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When there is no acknowledgement of the damage inflicted, the words are empty and without meaning. \u00a0When we hurt someone with wicked language, it is not their responsibility to understand us, to trust us, or to forgive us. \u00a0It is our responsibility to rehabilitate the bond.<\/span><\/p>\n

Understanding how our actions affect our loved ones can help to strengthen our intention to change. \u00a0Knowing why we want to change unlocks our motivation to get it done.<\/span><\/p>\n

The following methods can useful to diffuse any excess emotional energy, so our words can remain constructive and respectful.<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Carve out time in your day to day to do something you \u201d used to love but have no time for anymore.\u201d \u00a0Find 20 minutes for joy, inspiration, excitement on a regular basis for you and you alone. \u00a0This will help you be more patient, emphatic, peaceful.<\/span><\/p>\n

2. \u00a0Locate where in your body you are feeling the anger. \u00a0Are you hot? \u00a0Is your chest tight? \u00a0Are you sweaty? \u00a0Dizzy? Being mindful of how your body experiences anger will help you realize when you are reaching critical mass and need to take a step back.<\/span><\/p>\n

3. \u00a0Figure out what sets you off. \u00a0 Identify patterns and prepare for the next go round. \u00a0 How? \u00a0 Thought stopping mantras are used by repeating a phrase over and over and over again, internally or out loud. Things like \u201cI am ok\u201d or \u00a0\u201cI am in control\u201d \u00a0or \u00a0\u201d I will deal with it\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

4. Breathe. \u00a0Do it, Im serious. \u00a0Our loved one deserves the effort no matter how silly you might feel. In sets of ten, deeply breathe I n your nose and pucker your lips and blow out. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

5. Disengage. \u00a0We do not have to remain in a conversation that is flooding us with rage. \u00a0If after breathing we are still fuming \u2026 disengage. Tell them you cannot speak constructively or respectfully when you are flooded with anger and that from now on you will be disengaging from heated conversation to cool down. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Explain that you are committed to finishing the conversation before the end of they day ( or some other mutually agreed upon time frame) \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

6. Re-engagement. \u00a0Calmly, try to express the need that was unmet or the feeling you experienced, as opposed to getting caught up in content of the argument. This is where therapy can really help, but I \u00a0assure you these arguments are never \u00a0about dirty socks or being late or any other minor annoyance we experience throughout the day. \u00a0Lead with how you feel.<\/span><\/p>\n

Protect your relationship and your piece of mind. \u00a0 If you put in the work, things will change. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Stephanie Quattrocki is a licensed psychotherapist with Urban Balance. She works with individual adults and children but is drawn to helping families improve their ability to communicate effectively. She helps to nurture secure connections within the family unit while strengthening each individual\u2019s connection to themselves. She lives in Chicago with her husband and two children. She can be contacted at: squattrocki@urbanbalance.com<\/span><\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Accusing our loved one of being \u201coverly sensitive\u201d or having \u201cno sense of humor\u201d doesn\u2019t change the fact that they are feeling pain because of something we have said or done. Guest blogger Stephanie Quattrocki shares her thoughts on the impact anger has on relationships and how to heal. \u201cI <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> October 19, 2019<\/p>\n

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