{"id":8159,"date":"2019-10-30T19:23:14","date_gmt":"2019-10-31T00:23:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/subtext-and-passive-aggressiveness\/"},"modified":"2019-10-30T19:23:14","modified_gmt":"2019-10-31T00:23:14","slug":"subtext-and-passive-aggressiveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/subtext-and-passive-aggressiveness\/","title":{"rendered":"Subtext and Passive Aggressiveness"},"content":{"rendered":"

Let me tell you about Mr. and Mrs. R, a couple I recently saw in my office.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When they came in, they recounted an argument they\u2019d had the previous Friday. They\u2019d started the day in bed, cuddling and snuggling affectionately. But then Mr. R felt his wife resisting. He snapped at her, and she got defensive. Mr. R let out a big sigh and got out of bed. They ate breakfast in silence. When Mr. R got home from work that evening, Mrs. R was in the kitchen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. R: What\u2019s for dinner?<\/span><\/p>\n

Mrs. R: Meat loaf.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. R: Meat loaf? Again? We have meat loaf every Friday.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mrs. R: You like meat loaf. You\u2019ve never asked for anything different on Friday.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

qMr. R: It would be nice, just once, to have something different\u2014like a salmon steak.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Mrs. R: I don\u2019t like salmon. You know that.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. R: But I like salmon. And you might like salmon more than you think you do, if you\u2019d ever give it a try.<\/span><\/p>\n

As Mr. and Mrs. R related this exchange, they told me that it had been marked by particular intensity. They didn\u2019t understand why they\u2019d been so upset, and neither one knew why the other had made such a fuss about something as trivial as meat loaf or salmon. <\/span><\/p>\n

I explained that their explicit disagreement had been about meat loaf and the routine of dinner, but their true argument was about their feelings, and it had to do with that morning\u2019s unresolved emotional tension. It\u2019s important to understand that ignoring or hiding feelings creates tension in relationships<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\n

Talking about your emotions simply and clearly can leave you feeling vulnerable, but it\u2019s one of the most important skills you can develop as you learn to manage your anger. Here are some ineffective strategies that you may be using when a disagreement arises between you and someone else:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Protesting your innocence. \u201cBut I didn\u2019t do it\u2014I swear to God!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Giving orders. \u201cGet ahold of yourself. Back off. Leave me alone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Taking too much responsibility for others. \u201cLet me do it. You\u2019re just\u00a0<\/span>screwing it up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Predicting the future. \u201cIf you don\u2019t stop now, there\u2019s going to be trouble.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Appealing to logic. \u201cBe reasonable. Use your head!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Trying to force agreement. \u201cYou\u2019re wrong. That\u2019s totally false.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Denying the legitimacy of the other person\u2019s feelings. \u201cYou have no\u00a0<\/span>right to be angry at me after all I\u2019ve done for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022 Resorting to sarcasm or ridicule. \u201cWow, you sure look beautiful with\u00a0<\/span>your face all red like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

The antidote to feeling defensive is to understand that you\u2019re in control of your choices in the present. To take positive control over these choices, you have to make an active effort. For example, the next time you\u2019re angry, remind yourself that you have choices now that you didn\u2019t have as a child. As a child, you sought to get control in the wrong way\u2014by losing your temper or suppressing your anger. But now, as an adult, you can choose to express your anger by simply and clearly saying how you\u2019re feeling rather than arguing, shouting, or defending yourself. You can respond from a place of self-respect instead of reacting from a place of rage and defensiveness.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/div>

Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Let me tell you about Mr. and Mrs. R, a couple I recently saw in my office. When they came in, they recounted an argument they\u2019d had the previous Friday. They\u2019d started the day in bed, cuddling and snuggling affectionately. But then Mr. R felt his wife resisting. He snapped <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> October 30, 2019<\/p>\n

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