{"id":8198,"date":"2019-11-28T20:23:18","date_gmt":"2019-11-29T01:23:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/arguing-with-family-passive-aggressive-and-people-pleasing\/"},"modified":"2019-11-28T20:23:19","modified_gmt":"2019-11-29T01:23:19","slug":"arguing-with-family-passive-aggressive-and-people-pleasing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/arguing-with-family-passive-aggressive-and-people-pleasing\/","title":{"rendered":"Arguing with Family: Passive Aggressive and People Pleasing"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It is useful to identify the specific attitudes behind passive aggressive behavior:<\/p>\n

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\u201cI am right and not wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s never my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI want my way and I have a right to get it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is your responsibility to give me what I want. When you fail, I have the right to punish you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t tell lies. \u00a0I\u2019m just telling you the \u2018truth\u2019. You should appreciate my consideration.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can do anything I want because I am special and you\u2019re not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am exempt from guilt, fault, blame and responsibility because I am being helpful.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is ironic that many people who are passive aggressive see themselves as good hearted and helpful. They convinced their actions will be appreciated and valued.<\/p>\n

Passive aggressive people do not understand why their critical comments are met with such hostility. As a result, they feel genuinely \u201cvictimized\u201d by others lack of gratitude and victims are sensitive to persecution.<\/p>\n

They come to feel like \u201cvictims\u201d of ingratitude, which makes passive aggressive people angry. Their anger is based on a constellation of expectations that can make them vulnerable to sudden volcanic eruptions.<\/p>\n

These are some of the excuses people in passive aggressive relationships make:<\/p>\n

\u201cTry to be nice at all times so you won\u2019t upset her\/him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI try to make her\/him understand what she\/he is doing wrong so that she\/he will change.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\/he will change for me because she\/he loves me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI assume responsibility for her\/him. It\u2019s easier than trusting her\/him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppress my anger because nice people aren\u2019t supposed to get angry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel guilty for having these negative feelings about the person I am supposed to love.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen she\/he says it\u2019s my fault I believe her\/him. I feel so bad, but there\u2019s nothing I can do. It\u2019s too late.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI take what she\/he says literal, personal, and serious, as if it made sense.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I can\u2019t make sense out of what she\/he says, I blame myself as if it were my fault.’\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel guilty of failing to be good enough in her\/his eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI give control over to her\/him because that\u2019s the way she\/he wants it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI try to reason with her\/him, but I\u2019m not smart enough to keep up.\u201d<\/p>\n

People can be taught how to disengage emotionally from this passive aggressive antagonism. Then they will be free to do the unexpected. Instead of defending themselves against her\/him, they can agree that she\/he feels the way she\/he feels. They can calm her\/him down by saying, \u201cIt\u2019s awful when that happens, isn\u2019t it?\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t blame you for feeling that way,\u201d or \u201cThat must be painful.\u201d<\/p>\n

We can even learn to validate her\/his anger. \u201cI am sorry that you are so angry.\u201d This is not rationalizing, defending or submitting, it is empathizing. We can say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry that you are feeling victimized by all of this. I don\u2019t blame you for being angry.\u201d<\/p>\n

These are the last things she\/he expects us to say. We can be creative and find even more ways to take her\/his side in spite of her\/his abusive antagonism. We can ask, \u201cWhat can we do to make it better?\u201d No matter her\/his answer, we can respond by saying, \u201cI never thought of it that way.\u201d<\/p>\n

It takes courage to say these things for the first time. It\u2019s scary. If it weren\u2019t scary, we wouldn\u2019t need courage. Our reward will be a degree of relief from the pain she\/he has been causing us.<\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It is useful to identify the specific attitudes behind passive aggressive behavior: \u201cI am right and not wrong.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s never my fault.\u201d \u201cI want my way and I have a right to get it!\u201d \u201cIt is your responsibility to give me what I want. When you fail, I have the <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> November 28, 2019<\/p>\n

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