{"id":8252,"date":"2020-01-27T23:24:48","date_gmt":"2020-01-28T04:24:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/i-feel-like-i-am-failing-at-everything\/"},"modified":"2020-01-27T23:24:48","modified_gmt":"2020-01-28T04:24:48","slug":"i-feel-like-i-am-failing-at-everything","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/i-feel-like-i-am-failing-at-everything\/","title":{"rendered":"I Feel Like I Am Failing at Everything"},"content":{"rendered":"
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We spend much of our lives asking the wrong questions and complaining we can\u2019t get a straight answer.<\/p>\n

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For example, \u201cWhy are you so stupid?\u201d or \u201cHow can I get him to change?\u201d \u00a0These questions are \u201cwrong\u201d because they miss the point, they are counter-productive, and they make the problem unsolvable.<\/p>\n

We have to learn how to ask better questions, questions that are answerable and that lead to a cooperative solution to the problem. Before we can learn to ask appropriate, productive questions, we have to identify more of the ineffective questions that we have been asking for a lifetime. Once we have identified them, it is easy to replace them with something that makes sense.<\/p>\n

One of our wrong questions is, \u201cWhat Am I Doing Wrong?\u201d \u00a0This question is a self-accusation. \u00a0As soon as we ask it, we create a problem that we don\u2019t know how to solve:<\/p>\n

1. \u00a0The question assumes that we are \u201cguilty\u201d of doing a wrong thing. \u00a0We do not respect \u201cguilty\u201d people; we cannot trust the judgment of such a person, we cannot begin to solve the problem if we have just negated our self-respect and our judgment.<\/p>\n

2. Having labelled ourselves \u201cwrong,\u201d our choice is to, a) defend our \u201cinnocence\u201d so that our partners won\u2019t know how wrong we are, or b) resign ourselves to punishment.<\/p>\n

3. \u00a0The question implies that we assume all the responsibility for the problem, which is just what our partner wants us to believe, so our partner is off the hook.<\/p>\n

4. \u00a0The question wrongly implies that, if we are not \u201cright,\u201d we are \u201cwrong.\u201d \u00a0There is no provision in this attitude for a middle ground in which two imperfect people can work out their difficulties.<\/p>\n

5. \u00a0Having condemned ourselves as \u201cwrong,\u201d there is no appeal from this negative verdict. \u00a0The cumulative effect of a lifetime of such self-negating condemnation is a feeling of discouragement, helplessness, inadequacy to cope and worthlessness.<\/p>\n

6. \u00a0The question implies that there is a \u201cright\u201d answer but we do not know what it is and we cannot find out, especially not after we have just wiped out our self-respect.<\/p>\n

7. \u00a0If we do not know what the right answer is, the obvious implication is that we are \u201cstupid\u201d.<\/p>\n

8. \u00a0\u201cWrong\u201d implies that we have failed to resolve the situation correctly, which is a code word for perfectly. \u00a0Anyone who isn\u2019t \u201cperfect\u201d is \u201cwrong.\u201d \u00a0Any four year old knows that.<\/p>\n

9. \u00a0We have taken this temporary setback personally as if it were a reflection on our worth as a person, which it is not.<\/p>\n

Imperfect people make mistakes, they don\u2019t always cope perfectly, they can\u2019t solve every problem, but they are not \u201cwrong.\u201d \u00a0The word \u201cwrong\u201d has implications of moral unworthiness and it suggests that the \u201coffense\u201d is a punishable one, and that the stain of guilt will last forever if it is not properly atoned for. \u00a0These unconscious implications confirm our pre-existing self-doubts, and make the pain of our existence worse than it needs to be.<\/p>\n

We are not qualified to pass such a harsh judgement upon ourselves, but we do it anyway.<\/p>\n

Antidote: \u00a0We are not wrong, we are merely imperfect, we are uninformed in these matters, we are mistaken. \u00a0Imperfect people can respect themselves in spite of these dilemmas. \u00a0They can put this particular impasse in a more realistic perspective and not wipe out their worth as a person. \u00a0They can feel worthwhile in spite of this temporary embarrassment.<\/p>\n

Self-respecting people do not become the prisoners of their inescapable \u201cwrongness.\u201d \u00a0They have the power of choice. \u00a0They can choose not to berate themselves for their \u201cfailure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead, they can choose to back off from the problem; they do not have to solve every problem immediately. \u00a0Immediacy is merely a preference. \u00a0They can choose to take a breather. They often find that the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place during the interim and the answer now becomes apparent. \u00a0They have not cut themselves off from their own creative resources, they have not made the problem unsolvable.<\/p>\n

They can choose to take life as it comes and do the best they can with it. \u00a0They are worthwhile human beings in any case, win, lose or draw. \u00a0The stakes are not so high because their worth is not riding on the outcome \u2013 they can respect themselves whether they solve the problem or not. \u00a0In this context of self-respect, they are more likely to solve the problem than not. \u00a0They are standing on their own feet. \u00a0For people who are \u201cwrong,\u201d life does not go on, they merely exist until the next disaster. \u00a0For people who respect themselves on an appropriate basis, the beat goes on.<\/p>\n

Photo<\/a> by h.koppdelaney<\/a> <\/a><\/small><\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We spend much of our lives asking the wrong questions and complaining we can\u2019t get a straight answer. For example, \u201cWhy are you so stupid?\u201d or \u201cHow can I get him to change?\u201d \u00a0These questions are \u201cwrong\u201d because they miss the point, they are counter-productive, and they make the problem <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> January 27, 2020<\/p>\n

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