{"id":8486,"date":"2020-07-30T16:36:46","date_gmt":"2020-07-30T21:36:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/8-mistakes-to-avoid-when-arguing\/"},"modified":"2020-07-30T16:36:47","modified_gmt":"2020-07-30T21:36:47","slug":"8-mistakes-to-avoid-when-arguing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goodyear-village-az-cdp\/8-mistakes-to-avoid-when-arguing\/","title":{"rendered":"8 Mistakes to Avoid When Arguing"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"office_fight\"Many people who have to live or work with\u00a0the chronically angry \u00a0feel\u00a0unprepared to cope with their titanic temper tantrums. When we don\u2019t know what to do when faced with anger, we have an unfortunate tendency to make up our own interventions. This DIY approach\u00a0 to cope with someone\u2019s\u00a0monumental rage\u00a0is usually counter-productive and ineffective. \u00a0They only prolong the\u00a0pain and magnify its destructive consequences.\u00a0 We are pouring salt in his wound.\u00a0Here are some common\u00a0mistakes:<\/p>\n

<\/span>1. Defending our innocence: \u201cBut I didn\u2019t do it honey, I swear to God.\u201d This response is perceived\u00a0 as \u201cfighting\u201d with him, as calling him a \u201cliar,\u201d and being generally oppositional. This intervention, therefore, does not usually have the desired calming effect. Our \u201cinnocence\u201d is not the issue here. We are not guilty of a crime and we require no defense. The issue is that he is angry and his anger is painful. We need to relieve his pain, not make it worse.<\/p>\n

2. Giving him orders: \u201cGet a hold of yourself, honey. Pull yourself together, get a grip, babe.\u00a0 Stop it this instant.\u201d\u00a0He does not take orders. He is a controller. Our efforts to \u2018help\u2019 him are exactly what he does not need right now.\u00a0A better option\u00a0is to control ourselves. We have our hands full with us right now. He is not the only one in pain. If we do not look to ourselves, who will?<\/p>\n

3. Inappropriate responsibility: When we see him behaving irresponsibly, our good intention is to assume responsibility for him. We try to take over. He also perceives this as a control. He fights us off. Our choice must be to assume appropriate responsibility for our own physical and emotional well being.<\/p>\n

4. Predicting the Future: When our life in the present is being controlled by someone else, we try to solve this painful problem by escaping into the future. We come up with imaginary solutions such as, \u201cIf you don\u2019t stop now, there\u2019s going to be trouble,\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll leave you,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ll call the cops.\u201d These exclamations are accurately perceived as threats, bluffs, and overcompensations for our own feelings of\u00a0 inadequacy. He is not impressed. His\u00a0hurt becomes even more painful. It is better to stay in the present.<\/p>\n

5. Appeal to Logic: We also make the mistake of trying to solve emotional\u00a0problems logically: \u201cBe reasonable, babe, use your head.\u201d Our naive attempt to appeal to reason through the use of logical thought is the delusion. It assumes\u00a0that people are like Mr. Spock, all logic and that with\u00a0enough information they will be swayed. Sufferers from this delusion often spend time giving evidence and explaining their point, but to no avail.\u00a0 We cannot\u00a0change his feelings by imposing our logic upon him. They don\u2019t compute.<\/p>\n

6. \u201cUnderstanding\u201d: Our mistake is to try to make him \u201csee reason,\u201d to \u201cunderstand\u201d the reality of the situation, to understand the \u201cerror of his ways.\u201d He hears our attempt to make him understand as 1. trying to control him with our manipulative, irrelevant logic; 2. trying to put him in the wrong when he \u201cknows\u201d that he is \u201cright\u201d;\u00a03. trying to force him to submit; 4. trying to make him feel or look stupid.<\/p>\n

7. Denying the Validity of His Anger: \u201cYou have no right to be angry at me after all I\u2019ve done for you.\u201d Anger is not a matter of \u201cright\u201d under the Constitution, it is an emotion. That is why this argument is absurd. Also, when you deny anger, you are, by extension, invalidating him. He takes it personally. Now he is really hurt. The occasion for his anger, \u201cYou spilled my drink,\u201d may seem unjustified. But, we must remember that these surface issue conceal a bellyful of unresolved rage from the past. We do not quibble with him about the \u201cseriousness\u201d of the precipitating factor.<\/p>\n

8. Using Light-Hearted Humor: \u201cGee, you look funny when your face gets all red like that.\u201d This is answer does not turneth away wrath. This is ridicule, and it suggests that you are not taking him or his anger as seriously. To him, his anger is painful and needs to be taken serious.\u00a0 We cannot extinguish his fire by pouring kerosene on it. There are times when it is appropriate to lighten up. This is not one of them.<\/p>\n

We make up these well intentioned responses because we have never learned how to solve such scary emotional problems. It is not our fault that we do. However, now that we realize that there is a chronic emotional hemorrhage in our life, it is as appropriate for us to get this information on Emotional First Aid for these emergencies, just as it is to get training in Medical First Aid.<\/p>\n

Couple arguing image<\/a> available from Shutterstock.<\/small><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>

Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Many people who have to live or work with\u00a0the chronically angry \u00a0feel\u00a0unprepared to cope with their titanic temper tantrums. When we don\u2019t know what to do when faced with anger, we have an unfortunate tendency to make up our own interventions. This DIY approach\u00a0 to cope with someone\u2019s\u00a0monumental rage\u00a0is usually <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>
Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> July 30, 2020<\/p>\n

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