{"id":7632,"date":"2018-06-28T15:29:06","date_gmt":"2018-06-28T20:29:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goofy-ridge-il-cdp\/coping-with-the-chaos-of-life\/"},"modified":"2018-06-28T15:29:12","modified_gmt":"2018-06-28T20:29:12","slug":"coping-with-the-chaos-of-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/goofy-ridge-il-cdp\/coping-with-the-chaos-of-life\/","title":{"rendered":"Coping with the Chaos of Life"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Why do bad things happen to good people.<\/p>\n

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We can be going about our day, when suddenly the randomness of life takes over. No matter how big or strong we are, life happens. People die, we get sick, our stuff breaks down. We struggle, suffer and endure losses. No one is immune to it. We are all vulnerable to the chaos of life.<\/p>\n

However, by trying to control the threat of vulnerability, we often feel out of control. We may use our emotions to protect ourself and hide our feelings of sadness or worry in a fog of anger. All our bitter defensiveness and exaggerated outbursts are a smokescreen to protect ourself from a perceived threat. Some eventually build a protective wall around their heart, to seal off our emotional pain.<\/p>\n

Confidence most important resource we have when faced with the uncertainty from the chaos of life. Confidence is the feeling that we are a worthwhile human being in spite of our flaws and imperfections. When we are emotional, we are vulnerable to being in pain because our logical thought processes have been swept away by a tide of emotional reactions and defensiveness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In this state, we very likely to do exactly what our sparring partners expect us to do. They do not expect us to do anything reasonable or constructive. They expect us to be as immature and vindictive as they are. \u201cThat\u2019s fair.\u201d \u00a0We sabotage our happiness when we play this game of tug-o-war and become defensive. We take their absurd insults personally, where the exchange sounds something like this: \u201cYou\u2019re a failure.\u201d \u00a0\u201cNo I\u2019m not.\u201d \u00a0\u201cYes you are.\u201d \u00a0\u201cYou take that back.\u201d<\/p>\n

We will not get anywhere this way. Someone has to be the adult in the room. If they do not know how, then we must choose not to take their words literally, personally or seriously. We are not in a court of law and do not have to defend ourself against their false accusations.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We can choose to do something else instead. In fact, we can do anything we want as long as it is based on a choice in favor of our happiness, instead of a mindless reaction to their provocation. If we are tired of this useless third\u2011grade game, we can learn some new responses to old jabs:<\/p>\n

When they say: \u201cYou suck.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do the unexpected by saying: \u201cYou got a real problem there, I don\u2019t know what to tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

When they say: \u201cYou\u2019re stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do the unexpected by saying: \u201cIt\u2019s just awful, isn\u2019t it.\u201d<\/p>\n

When they say: \u201cCome back here and fight like a man.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do the unexpected by saying: \u201cI don\u2019t know what to tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

When they say: \u201cI hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do the unexpected by saying: \u201cI am sorry you are so hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

When they say: \u201cYou are being so stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do the unexpected by saying: \u201cI don\u2019t know how you stand it.\u201d<\/p>\n

When they say: \u201cWhy do you have to be such a jerk?\u201d<\/p>\n

Do the unexpected by saying: \u201cI never thought of it that way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Notice the responses above do not have to make sense. We are using our response to set limits. It is not our responsibility to straighten them out and defend against their false accusations. We are implying that this is not a court of law and we do not have to prove our innocence and defend against the guilt of some absurd accusation to avoid being punished. The game of tug-o-war is over, we are not going to pick up the rope and get dragged through the mud.<\/p>\n

Some other ways to respond to false accusations without defensiveness include:<\/p>\n

\u2022 You may have a point.<\/p>\n

\u2022 It makes you angry when that happens doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

\u2022 That would be nice wouldn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

\u2022 It seems that way sometimes doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

\u2022 I don\u2019t blame you for being angry<\/p>\n

\u2022 I know you mean well and want to best for me, but I prefer to do it this way.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Thanks for calling that to my attention.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll think of something.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I can tell your angry, you are shouting.<\/p>\n

\u2022 It\u2019s awful when that happens isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

\u2022 That\u2019s one theory isn\u2019t it? I\u2019m sure there are others.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I hear what your saying, I appreciate it and I\u2019ll be fine.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I totally agree, I\u2019m just not sure it would help.<\/p>\n

\u2022 That would be nice wouldn\u2019t it, but I\u2019d rather not.<\/p>\n

\u2022 You have a choice and there will be a consequence either way.<\/p>\n

We must use an appropriate tone to ensure we are not being provocative or antagonistic. We can speak slow and softer, but deliberate and clear with a confused tone. Lets say we take a road trip and get lost, we don\u2019t know where we are and feel a bit confused on what to do. Do we stop and get directions? Do we turn around? Do we pull over for the night? Do we keep going? We are concerned, confused, and unsure what direction to go. That is the tone to use, confused. When others blame, criticize and accuse, we don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on and why the other person is making these hurtful remarks.<\/p>\n

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Visit Original Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why do bad things happen to good people. We can be going about our day, when suddenly the randomness of life takes over. No matter how big or strong we are, life happens. People die, we get sick, our stuff breaks down. We struggle, suffer and endure losses. No one <\/p>\n

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Shared by Aaron Karmin, LCPC, Contributing Blogger<\/a> June 28, 2018<\/p>\n

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