{"id":7698,"date":"2018-07-13T09:30:00","date_gmt":"2018-07-13T14:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/westley-ca-cdp\/5-boundaries-that-actually-bolster-your-bond-in-your-marriage\/"},"modified":"2018-09-26T20:21:01","modified_gmt":"2018-09-27T01:21:01","slug":"5-boundaries-that-actually-bolster-your-bond-in-your-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/unitedresourceconnection.org\/westley-ca-cdp\/5-boundaries-that-actually-bolster-your-bond-in-your-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Boundaries That Actually Bolster Your Bond in Your Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>We think of boundaries as keeping us away from our spouses, as creating distance, as thinning and weakening our bond. But boundaries\u2014healthy boundaries\u2014can actually strengthen our connection and bolster our relationship with our partner.<\/p>\n

For instance, when you set a boundary that creates space for both partners to focus on their interests and desires, rather than one person having control over the other, each spouse feels heard, said Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples and premarital counseling in Marin Country, Calif. \u201c[T]heir connection is more positive than if one feels silenced.\u201d<\/p>\n

According to psychologist and relationship expert Susan Orenstein, Ph.D, boundaries are limits each partner sets to feel safe, respected and valued in the relationship. This prevents partners from feeling threatened. Which is critical because if they do feel threatened, instead of feeling joy and warmth or experiencing spontaneity, their mental energy will be spent on scanning for danger, she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you establish your boundaries, and are respectful of your partner\u2019s boundaries, you can both feel safe and secure and will more likely experience love toward each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

Marriage and family therapist Cindy Norton views boundaries as guidelines that define how you\u2019d like to be treated by others. \u201cHaving healthy boundaries means that you get to define what is acceptable. A common way of describing personal boundaries is where you end and others begin.\u201d<\/p>\n

Boundaries also help couples get on the same page, said Priscilla Rodriguez, LMFT, a relationship therapist who specializes in infidelity, sex and intimacy and military couples in San Antonio, Texas.<\/p>\n

But, of course, not all boundaries are created equal. Below you\u2019ll learn about five boundaries that actually help you get closer.
\n
\nSetting a boundary around personal time.<\/strong> \u201cI know this may sound counterintuitive, but having boundaries around time for yourself can actually help bolster your connection with your partner,\u201d said Norton, founder of AVL Couples Therapy <\/a>in Asheville, N.C. That\u2019s because when couples spend all their time together, they start to lose themselves, including \u201cthose qualities that initially attracted their partner to them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Similarly, as marriage and family therapist Amy Kipp<\/a> noted, \u201cyou are more interesting to your partner when you aren\u2019t always together.\u201d Which is what relationship expert Esther Perel speaks about in her TED talk<\/a>, along with the idea that desire grows when we see our partners in their own element, engaging in activities they enjoy and are passionate about.<\/p>\n

Plus, \u201cThe ability to do things outside of the relationship means you aren\u2019t looking to have all of your needs met by one person,\u201d said Kipp, a couples specialist with a private practice in San Antonio, Texas. \u201cThis takes pressure off of the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Norton noted that time to yourself might mean anything from savoring your solitude to socializing with friends to engaging in your favorite hobby. Similarly, it\u2019s important to know how much time each partner might need for their personal time, Rodriguez<\/a> said. \u201cSome people need a full day, whereas others need 20 minutes every day, but the only way you will know this is by talking about it with your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n

Setting a boundary around public and private.<\/strong> Orenstein, founder and director of\u00a0Orenstein Solutions<\/a>\u00a0in Cary, N.C., stressed the importance of having an agreement about what is shared between you (i.e., what\u2019s private) and what\u2019s open to the public.<\/p>\n

For instance, you and your spouse decide not to discuss the issues that come up in your relationship with other people, not even your best friends. Orenstein shared this example: \u201cIf something is bothering me about you, you will be the first to know. We won\u2019t talk behind each other\u2019s backs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Couples also might set a boundary about what they reveal in general about their relationship to loved ones, along with what they share (and don\u2019t share) on social media about their marriage or family.<\/p>\n

Setting a boundary about how you communicate. <\/strong>According to Rodriguez, \u201cmost couples do not know how their partner would like to discuss serious issues versus \u2018normal talk\u2019\u201d (e.g., expressing something that\u2019s bothering you versus what you\u2019re making for dinner tonight). Which is why it can help to set a boundary around what you\u2019ll do when one of you needs to reach out, such as putting down the phone, turning off the TV and minimizing other distractions, she said.<\/p>\n

Norton noted that this commonly happens in couples when issues arise: One person wants to talk about the issue and resolve it right away; the other person is upset and wants space to calm down. When this request for space is ignored, the argument only escalates.<\/p>\n

Setting a boundary about your arguments means having a plan and honoring it. According to Norton, this is complex and depends on the couple, but a brief example is:<\/p>\n